Drama Queen Confessions and Girl Talk

Day Fifty Six until well, now.

2009-08-27T19:38:00.000-07:00

Day Fifty Six Onwards.

So the summer is almost over and by this time next week ill be in my new apartment at Laurier. I have all these mixed feelings flooding through me. I'm nostalgic that such an awesome summer had to come to an end, excited to start a new chapter of my life, and sad because i'm going to miss my friends when I leave. Luckily it isnt all that far to come home (an hour), so i'll be able to live my non-committed double life again. Its all good.

A quick recap of the summer, I suppose. I broke up with the boyfriend because he became uber controlling. Honestly he was such a good guy but I couldnt handle someone who expected me to spend the majority of my time with them (aka, like six or seven days a week). Not too cool. Unfortunately, I broke up with him for coconuthead (retardedly, I must say), to which that entirely flopped as she hooked up with one of my so-called best friends. Luckily my bestie and I cleared it up, after all bros before hoes right, and this girl was definitely a huge hoe. Somewhere in between, I ended up going out to the beach with the bestie (HOLLAAA Wasaga), which was super fun times, and just partied a lot with other people, especially my friends who returned to Halifax for school. I met a new boy, and i'm not quite sure what to call him so lets be honest and call him by his real name, Mike. He's really cute, 6'4, mega attractive and an intellectual (hello, future lawyer), and the best part is, he likes me. Its funny because he claims to be shallow and so am I so I mean, I by no means think i'm all that pretty but together were definitely a gorgeous couple (minus the relationship status, but I guess you could still call us a couple if were going on dates and doing couply things?).

I'm stoked to go back to school and start things over. I'm excited to live my sorority lifestyle, to hang out with my old friends and the lesbian apartment-mate, to throw my back to school bash and to work towards getting into nursing at Ryerson! And who knows, maybe i'll start a back to school blog so you can keep up with my life there.

Tata for now,

xoxox Christine Ashley

Day Fifty One - Fifty Six.

2009-08-04T21:23:00.000-07:00

Day Fifty Six.

"Oh, I never meant to brag, but I got him where I want him now. No, it was never my intention to brag, to steal it all away from you now. But god, does it feel so good"

- Paramore

RECAPPPPP!!!

In the past seven days, I have been super busy. I havent had time to truly write in my blog and I apologize for that. Thus, I will give you a short recap of the time for mee :)!

Fifty one - Camp in the City/Last day of booty camp (in total I lost 11 inches!! sweeeet!)

Fifty two - Last day of camp!

Fifty three - Work and night with the boyfriend (movie date! and visiting one of my Meadowvale girlies!)

Fifty four - Dinner with the father at Spring Rolls

Fifty five - The boyfriends house and hangouts with his friends (p.s theyre awesome)

Well now that you're all caught up, today was my fam jam birthday party. But first, I went to Toni and Guy to get my hair did. Its cute, I didnt cut it much shorter but the girl spent like two hours perfecting my layers so it looks pretty hot. Afterwards, I was running late so I booked it home and my party started! It was nice to see the family again but it ended up going by way too fast, and by the end of it, I stuffed my mouth with so much food i'm honestly mad cheating on this diet! Ugh, if only I had the motivation to swear off amazing party foods like spinach dip and pumpernickel bread and brie and chutney spread on crackers, mmm.

I ended up getting some pretty sweet things, including a new Coach tote that i've wanted, about $200 in gift cards for Sherway, a Coach notebook and pencils, a Danier leather purse and matching wallet -- and other random things. It was exciting. After the party I went to get my nails done this cute hot pink highlighter colour thats pretty in for summer (I checked out summer nail trends ;) !)

I mostly wanted to write because I am so frustrated. Honestly there is this girl who is obesessed with my boy. Its like that movie Obsessed with Beyonce (which I liked, by the way, and if you havent seen it, you simply must). Shes just insane, she always is rude to me, she calls him obsessively, she needs to relax. I'm just not happy. I feel like its going to wreck our relationship and I dont know what to do. Anyways, i've put off calling him long enough (after all, you cant call a boy right when they expect you to), so I should make that call now.

Until tomorrow (I PROMISE ILL KEEP UP NOW!),

xoxox Christine Ashley

Day Forty Eight/Forty Nine/Fifty.

2009-07-27T19:17:00.001-07:00

Day Forty Eight.

CAMP STARTED today! It was so interesting/fun. I got there and was a little nervous but everyone was soo nice and it immediately assured me that things would be cool. We started the day by having dogs in for a show, then had a cooking sort of class (pizza and cookies, healthy.) and in the afternoon we played games and had this art bus come visit. It was really cool because the interior of the bus was turned into an area to do art, with two huge benches and a long table for lots of kids. The kids made jewelery boxes, it was really cute actually. I'm not exactly sure what the boys would do with those boxes but i'm sure something would do.

Tonight the Bachelorette finale came on. Let me just say, I probably teared about five times. So cute. I could not believe that Reid came back (I hope he becomes the next Bachelor because hes sexy as hell). I was so excited to see that Jillian picked Ed. He was such a cute boy, I know hes not as fit as Kiptyn was, but he was so sweet and the perfect boyfriend/husband. I'm so jealous of her, I hope to find a love like that someday, but after everything that she had gone through, I have hope!

I ended up talking to the guy on the phone forever. Honestly I really really really really like him. Its so weird because well, he's kind of nerdy, and i'm suuuuper picky with boys, but his personality is stealing me away. I really want to be his girlfriend, and I told him that. He wants me to be his girlfriend too, and I hope he asks me soon. Honestly, it wont change anything, and I know i'll feel pretty confined at times, but I think I can do it now. I'm most likely taking a year off of school and i'm prepared. I'll be around, I have so much to accomplish, I can do this relationship.

I can do that, I can.

Until then,

xoxox Christine Ashley

Day Forty Nine.

Today I woke up for another day of camp. I'm starting to feel burnt out already from the busyness of my schedule, mixed with my lack of sleep, but i'm excited for the rest of the week. The cutest little girl has attached herself onto me, her name is Sammy. She's going to be a supermodel when she grows up, I swear. She has the prettiest long brown curly hair and big blue eyes and such a great personality. We were supposed to all go to High Park as a camp but ended up going to the park that was near Gilda's Club instead because it was supposed to rain by 11 a.m and thus that wouldn't give us enough time, plus because of the garbage strike the bathrooms were closed. It was still fun, we all played tag and hung out at the park, before we headed back to Gilda's for lunch.

In the afternoon, we didn't do much except for chilled because it was raining. At the end of the day, I had to rush home to get ready for Booty Camp. I was so excited -- the bestie came tonight and did booty camp with me. I have to say, it was pretty awesome, and she said she has no idea how I do this every week. Sometimes I struggle going to class, but im so proud of myself for making such a commitment. I feel so much stronger and better and sexier, its awesome!!

Soon after, and of course, after talking to the boy, I passed out. It was a lovely, tiring, fun day.

Until tomorrow,

xoxox Christine Ashley

Day Fifty.

After almost ending up late for camp, I finally made it and we ended up leaving for this theatre on Queen Street soon after. Thus, I took the subway all the way to Gilda's Club to just end up taking it to Queen and Dufferin (aka, about more than halfway back), to take it back to Gilda's and then back again all by the end of the day. It was pretty chaotic. The play was so good and was used with black light and puppets and put on by people with learning disabilities. Honestly, I thought it was a pretty cool thing, i'd never really seen people moving puppets under black light before. Good music toooo. And you know what it reminded me of? I just realized. Forgetting Sarah Marshall, with his crazy puppet show play that I simply adored! The weather ended up being awful and rained all day so we ended up riding the streetcar back to Gilda's and my boss rented Coraline for us.

Let me just say, Coraline is such a random movie. Like, it was good and all, but in a couple ways, it was kind of weird and creepy. I almost fell asleep in the movie twice from exhaustion, but instead I was sitting with this adorable little girl and she fell asleep on me. I almost had to pick her up and bring her to the next room, she was just so cute. By the end of the day, all I wanted was to go home, because I was so stoked on the night!!!

I ended up seeing the boy and the bestie and we couldnt quite figure out where to go for drinks. We ended up going to Church Street (O'Gradys, naturally my favourite, with the huge patio), and the boy and I split a pitcher of Heinekin. By the end of all of our festivities, I was relatively hammered. I needed to be home early for work the next day so I ended up dropping the bestie off around 11:30 and then just chilling out with my boy for a little. Right after we dropped her off, he looked at me and asked me to be his girlfriend. It was honestly, so so so so so cute. Evidently, I would have said yes. I did. I knew I was drunk, but I knew what I wanted. We shared the cutessstttt kisses and I never wanted to go home, but I did, an hour later. Who knew I would end up dating a boy?!??!?!

Until next time,

xoxox Christine Ashley

Day Forty Six/Forty Seven.

2009-07-26T13:44:00.000-07:00

Day Forty Six

"Of all the girls tossing rocks at your window, i'll be the one waiting there even when its cold"

- Taylor Swift

Today was quite interesting. After mulling around at work all day (not even getting into trouble, once), I ended up going out with my friends to celebrate that birthday night. I finally got to squeeze into that hot little birthday dress and party with my friends. Don't get me wrong, it was fab, but it wasnt everything I thought it would be. Let me explain. I ended up getting out of work and it was starting to rain, and realized I had about five text messages on my phone, a bunch of them from people telling me they couldnt come out, a few because it was raining. How ridiculous. Whatever, it was cool, because I still knew about fifteen people going to come out and party.

We ended up at my fave, Spring Rolls, for dinner around seven thirty p.m. It was super amazing, had a few drinks, the night started going. Surprisingly, the "guy friend" ended up showing up, muuuuch to my surprise, believe me, because we have been relatively shaky lately. I could tell from the look in his eyes that he thought I looked good, but whatever, not to flatter myself or anything. The rest of the dinner was sweet and then we left for Rivoli to have predrinks before we headed to Suite 106/Wetbar. Unfortunately, Rivoli ended up not serving pitchers (who doesnt serve pitchers? I suppose its because its a relatively upscale bar for the area), and we moved next door to the Horseshoe to get plastered. By the time I was ready to go to Wetbar, I had a glass of Pinot Grigio, a 1/2 litre of Soho and a half pitcher of beer. Honestly sometimes I think my tolerance has gotten super high because it took THAT much to hit me, but maybe its because it takes a long time for it to sink in. A while beforehand, the "guy friend" suspiciously decided to ditch, which was interesting, it made me feel like sketchy about everything, like my other friends would. I didnt really trust the situation much.

Around eleven my other friends ended up coming out, which I was super excited about. I got to see a bunch of friends that I haven't seen much since high school, really, and also my sorority friends that I have not seen since Laurier. We ended up walking towards Wetbar and got into the guestlist line when I realized half of my friends had just disappeared. After placing a call to the "bestie", she didnt answer and I called my other friend. She told me that they were too scared to come in and we're probably going to leave. For the life of me, I cannot figure out what is scary about going to a club with skankily-clad women, I mean it may be disgusting, but they will not do anything to you. Ridiculous. Anyways so basically, five of my friends decided to just ditch, which was annoying at first but when I got in the club I had a good time.

I ended up having more drinks, purchased by my sorority friends, and danced a lottttt. The night was pretty awesome, the music was so good. Honestly, the club was not really my thing, and to be truthful I really do enjoy hipster clubs more, but I would go back again to dance the night away (because the music, maybe not the vibe, but the music is 100% better to dance and party to). I ended up taking the streetcar home relatively early because the other bestie was drunk off her face and kept repeating "bbbbdoonnnkkk", and falling over. It was ridiculous, I wish I had a video, too funny. I was drunk enough too at that point, and ended up having a fabulous night. The true people who cared really did come through. I was happy until I ran into one of my friends on the streetcar who had just happened to drop off the other bestie. She had said that they had gone to this guys house that used to be my friend, where the "guy friend" of mine decided to head too after ditching my party. I thought it was super shifty, really ignorant and rude. I have no respect for people who don't care about you on your birthday especially when you would come through for them no matter what.

Overall, it was a good night. Probably not worth a $200 dress, probably not worth $50 of alcohol and food, but it was decent. I can't wait to go out again, because my bestie and I, well, we really know how to put it down. Oh and p.s: bbbdonk ;).

Until tomorrow,

xoxox Christine Ashey

Day Forty Seven

"Theres a southbound train tomorrow, take me out of this dirty town"

- Carolina Liar

To be honest, i'm screaming inside. If I had of known or even had a slight premonition that I may come back to this God awful town, I would never have left you. I still feel like it is the biggest mistake of my life. I'm not sure where to turn anymore where everything seems like a dead end. I know its not. This is just a slight turning point. I know things will be fabulous, although i'm slightly terrified. I wish I had my passport. At times like this, all I want to do is run far away, as far as I can, and just fly off to some exotic destination. I'd rather be weeping over this in Amsterdam at the moment or Paris, rather than sitting here in dark room, watching this dreadful, hair-wrecking rain from my window. Escapism, its something i've always been good at. I'm good at running away. I ran to Waterloo to escape thinking about her, to escape seeing her everywhere I went. To go back to Toronto killed for many months, and some places I see still make me cringe. I can no longer escape this, this reality that I need to face, but there are so many questions I need to answer, and not enough time to think. I'm wracking my brain for the answers and theyre not coming. I feel slightly mad.

I may no go back to Waterloo. I know its shocking but I think I may want to go into nursing. And at the same time, i'm not sure what I want about anything. All I know is that we will be at the same school, and if I see you regularly, I know it will be hard and painful. I wonder if i'll ever get over this, over you, because even when we rarely talk, you still pop into my head. I was talking to someone last night and said something so true,

"this time last year I felt the exact same way. empty, and scared. but at least I had love"

I'm such a fool for throwing her away. She was the only one who really cared, you know? I feel like my other friends do too, they care about my happiness to a certain degree, until it comes time to me coming in the way of something they want and then they go fuck me over and date my exes, or have sex with the people I like, or something terrible. I know they will get karma but, that doesnt solve the fact that it hurts me. I feel like i've lost myself again, and I dont know where this has come from. After knowing, entry after entry, that I have been so happy this summer, i'm lost to myself, lost in my head, lost knowing what I want. I'm lost, and i've lost, too much this year. Its complicated, its confusing, I just wish it would all go away. There is this voice screaming in my head, telling me i'm ridiculous to worry about things because my life is amazing. I know I have good friends, an amazing family, and so many of the things I want in life, but why aren't I entirely happy? Something is missing but I cant piece it together. It cant just be her, because you cant always rely on love. You cant rely on something or someone else for your own happiness. But if it isnt her, then what is it? I dont even know what I want to do with my future.

I've lost it, i'm losing me.

I'VE GOT IT. I'm going to take off a year and accomplish these goals:

- get my grade twelve biology and chemistry credits at adult night school

- have a sick job

- spend time with the besties and the boytoy (if i'm still interested)

- visit laurier on the weekends

- once I get enough money, fly to Europe and spend a while with my family (a month or so) in Italy

I went out tonight with the boytoy. He finally took me to meet his friends, to smoke a doob and just hang out. I truly believe in the statement "show me your friends, and i'll show you who you are" so this kind of fit in to piecing the puzzle together about how I felt about him. We ended up meeting at Heartland Town Centre after he picked me up from my house, at the car wash. Honestly, felt like a Fast In The Furious movie. We ended up meeting there then moving to some vacant car garage, chasing our cars up and down the levels a bit before we smoked. It was pretty sick, but of course his best friend would have an advantage with his new BMV (jealous, by the way). His friends were pretty cool and the thing is, I could see myself hanging out with them, particularly his girl friends. I met this guy that used to date this skank that I know, and he seemed really nice. I was kind of excited, but super nervous, and did not say much. All in all, at the end of the day, his best friend told me that he thought I was super chill and laid back. Score! Point one for Christine. After we left we ended up just sitting in his car, having super cute kisses and driving home shortly after. I'm starting to feel like this is right, like this is it, and this is how its supposed to be. I'm nervous, and don't want to get attached, but I feel like I could be with this guy.

I'm excited about life, it should be good. I'll (eventually) have it all under control.

Until tomorrow,

xoxox Christine Ashley

Day Forty Four/Forty Five

2009-07-24T10:52:00.000-07:00

Day Forty Four

"Is not alright, but indefinitely yours"

- friends facebook status

Today was a total bomb. I woke up, looking forward to going to the horse races at Woodbine with my grandmother and my fourteen year old cousin and realized it was cancelled because of the rain. Lame. This was good, in a way, because I spent so much time talking to the guy i'm seeing on the phone last night that well, I did not get much sleep. I ended up waking up around 1 p.m, hoping that it would continue to rain so I wouldnt need to go to my Booty Camp Fitness class (i've become rather lazy). There was no such luck, and it was damp and wet and muggy and I was working out outdoors. At least my tummy is getting much more toned.

Afterwards I had to rush and rush and rush so I could head out quickly forty five minutes later to Move Me @ Augusta House with my besties and the girls that i've been seeing on a regular basis lately. I was super excited minus the mother repeatedly bitching at me (which was not fun, but has been happening hourly lately for no reason whatsoever). We ended up there around eleven, and I thought it would be packed considering the facebook confirmation of 200+ people but it was dead. At least it was $3.50 drinks, so I got to enjoy several lovely vodka tonics before the price went up later in the night. Afterwards, everything started to go downhill. The bestie lost her boyfriends camera, and she ended up being upset the rest of the night. I felt really bad about it all. I saw the birthday kiss girl again though, and she insists its still my birthday week (which I like to agree) and decided she would buy me a pornstar shot (amazing amazing amazing <3)>

I came home, took tylenol for my headache, talked to the boy until three a.m and passed out. Overall, waste of money for alcohol, and well, waste of calorie consumption. Whatever.

Until tomorrow,

xoxox Christine Ashley

Day Forty Five

"Gotta blame it on something, blame it on the rain"

- Milli Vanilli

I woke up at 1:30 today and felt so exhausted. I honestly didnt do anything at all. I pretty much lounged around until dinnertime, when I walked over to Valu Mart to pick up some groceries to make a sweet meal. My mom barbecued steak, and I made garlic shrimp and risotto, it was pretty delicious. I decided not to go to my roomies birthday because I was overly exhausted and need to work early in the morning, so my mom purchased a movie on Rogers on Demand and we decided to watch some terrible mobster movie (I forget the name, but it was with all these no-name actors and it wasnt all that grand).

So here I am, now, sitting here eating raspberries and blackberries (ugh diet!) and contemplating life. I realize I am so confused with everything and i'm uber frustrated. I dont know what i'm doing in sociology and french when I could be studying nursing. Its what I really want but I dont think im smart enough. Im sure I am if I put my heart into it.

I'm even more frustrated now that I know I could have went to this show with the girl I like, but I didnt answer my phone. Honestly, big FML moment right there. I wish I didnt know. I wish I could figure life out. I wish I could figure.. me out. What do you want, Christine? Seriously. UGH I NEED A REALITY CHECK. Or more partying.

The thing is, when I think about you, it gives me butterflies. You, and only you. Why is that? Does that make sense, I do not think so. I want to act like I do not care, but I can't. I think you're the only person who does this to me. The butterflies. The excitement. The nervousness. Could it be wrong? I'm not sure. I guess i'll simply have to see.

Until tomorrow,

xoxox Christine Ashley

Day Forty Three.

2009-07-22T15:42:00.001-07:00

"Just cause I think about you in bed, don't let it go to your head. If I looked into your eyes, one two, too many times, memorized every word you said, don't let it go to your head"

- Fefe Dobson

I didnt even do anything today but it was pretty sweet. To be honest, I think its because I feel totally different than yesterday. I cant even explain it and if I told people, they'd probably criticize me for being insane. In reality, I ended up doing my exam the majority of the day, got Mama Martinos for dinner (some amazing little italian eatery around my area, amaziiing meatball sandwiches and caesar salad, mm) and watched So You Think You Can Dance.

By the way, i'm obsessed with this girl. I wasnt sure what I thought about her first but man oh man oh man shes soooo sexy. Check her out:

So highlight of my day: I asked her on a date. It was adorable, cute, everything. I'm kind of stoked on it because well, i'm getting that second chance. I guess we'll see how it goes. My expectations aren't too high because of everything thats happened but I hope it'll be better than last time. And well, my friends will just have to trust that i'm not acting on some crazy whim.

Until tomorrow,

xoxox Christine Ashley

Day Forty One/Forty Two.

2009-07-21T13:35:00.000-07:00

Day Forty One

"Its your birthday and you know you want to ride out, even if we only go to my house, sip on weezy as we sit upon my couch"

- Jeremiah

YAY FOR BEING NINETEEEN!!! Honestly, what can I say, I had such an amazing birthday. My friends came through again, I guess I should have faith in people more often. I was surprised that the first person that said happy birthday to me was well, bandgirl's ex girlfriend, but you know, she always surprises me. Even babyD didnt say it, and we were on the phone together. She ran a close second, so it was all good.

I woke up and had such an amazing day. The sun was shining, it was warm and beautiful. I woke up to two dozen pink and white roses from my mom. She said they were because she felt guilty for not being home for my birthday breakfast. They were so beautiful.. I was so excited. I just lounged around quite a bit, and eventually went down to 7 11 to pick up my first legal pack of Bellies, went to visit my friend and get an amazing Iced Latte with Soy at this little organic coffee shop, and got ready for dinner with the mother. I had the most amazing dinner ever at the Keg, and I know I went to Canyon Creek the night before so youd think I would be sick of steak but no no, I got something entirely different. A glass of Pinot Grigio, of course, and the main course of Steak and Lobster and Shrimp in some wine and garlic sauce, soooooooo amazing. I think I almost died haha. Oh, and mashed potatoes. I felt so bloated after dinner though, and was a tad concerned about squeezing into my tiny birthday high rise skirt, but you know, I did it anyways.

I got home and had plenty of time to get ready to I pulled out this new cute straightener my mom got me and fixed my hair, put on my pretty birthday outfit and my purple crown, and got ready to head over to The Social on Queen Street West with some amazing friends of mine. At first, we went to Rivoli on Queen, such a nice classy little bar, I had no idea. Got my first legal pint of Stella Artois. I ended up having so many friends come out last night, it was insane. I honestly expected like three or four people but it ended up being a bunch of people which was pretty awesome. The "guy friend" came and gave me my birthday kiss, but was super awkward and left soon after. I didnt care, because my other friend brought this other lesbian, who told me she had a present for me, and grabbed me in to kiss me, to which she said "Happpppy birthhhdaay!! Did you like my present?". Insanity, I tell you! After many drinks bought, a lot of dancing but more smoking than anything, I ended up having a really sweet time.

Once getting bored of the Social, we wandered to the Drake Hotel to go watch some live band. This girl singing was amazing, I was captivated by her music and she was just so gorgeous. Oh and by the way, you know what I noticed? Sadly, all the most attractive men are short. Why oh why am I 5'10, I ask myself often. But what can you do. We ended up calling the guy i'm seeing on the way way home, while the highlight of my night included the bestie singing "Its her birthday, were gonna party like its her birthday, were gonna sip baccardi like its her birthdaaaay". What a crazy night, and I am so stoked on what the rest of this week has to come. After all, I do have my true birthday celebration on Saturday night, which will hopefully be amaziinggg.

Until tomorrow,

xoxox Christine Ashley

Day Forty Two

I woke and realized how cold it is outside. I am not enjoying this lack of summer, i'm telling you. It started to rain which was fine when I was writing my tediously long exam paper, but wasn't so fine when I realized I need to do Booty Camp Fitness out in this weather. The rain eventually stopped to my surprise and I had to go do Booty Camp, can I just tell you how difficult this was today? We had to do circuit training again, which now involved running up and down a hill at LEAST 12x. I thought I may pass out by the end of it, but I somehow did it, to my own surprise. I guess i'm more fit than I thought! ;)

After Booty Camp I needed to rush home because the guy i'm sort of seeing was coming to pick me and the bestie up to smoke some chrons and go out to a bar. We ended up smoking in the parking lot of Walmart at Dundas (preeetty sketchy but it seemed legit) and then drove over to the perfect spot, the Green Room at Bloor and Spadina. We chilled on the patio all night with a pitcher of Amsterdam beer and had some pretty legit chats. It was really cute, and the guy and I held hands for the first time, and we eventually kissed outside my house before I went in for the night. I thought it was adorable and I was really happy, until I realized that i'm not so sure i'm 100% into him, because he's a guy. I know that sounds ridiculous, but I thought I could do this entire guy thing. Now, i'm not so sure.

I came home and talked to someone i've been ignoring my feelings for for a while. I'm not sure what is going to happen with me and her, but I feel like theres something there. I hope she feels it too, but regardless i'm going back to school in a month and the likelihood of anything starting is slim to nothing. I cannot believe I did not even truly have a summer fling this summer. I guess i'll have to see whats to come, and well, so will you.

Until next time,

xoxox Christine Ashley

Day Thirty Eight/Thirty Nine/Forty

2009-07-19T11:50:00.000-07:00

Day Thirty Eight

Today was interesting. Very interesting indeed. And quite cute. I ended up waking up around noon, as usual (after some much needed beauty rest, obviously), to get ready to go see "the guy friend". After arriving at his house, I thought I may just stay there and you know, who knows what would happen. To be honest, I thought we may hook up or something of the sort, but then his mom ended up being home so we went for a walk for coffee. We chatted about lots of random things and then he decided we should go to a movie downtown. I thought first I should go visit the bestie as we were at the coffee shop right by her house, and she was with her boyfriend so we all hung out for a while. We ended up spending the entire day together, which was rather fun. After spending time at the besties, we went back to "the guy friends" house and ate some amazinnngg cheese and sambuca. Honestly, he said that the sambuca he bought would be disgusting, and I am not the biggest fan of licorice flavoured drinks, but it was lovely. We mixed it with Sprite and had a little cheese and sambuca backyard party while the weather was still lovely (until it started to rain a tad).

We all decided to go to the drive-in theatre in Oakville together which I must say, was quite interesting. Obviously toting the wine along, we ended up drinking in the car, watching Ice Age and Transformers (although I had no interest in seeing Ice Age, and I have already seen Transformers before). To be honest, I feel like I was so immersed in my own thoughts and with the alcohol hitting me, I did not really watch the movies. I dont quite remember what I did, because I did not spend the time making out with the "guy friend" thats for sure, but I definitely was in another element, haha. It was all so cute though, and after a few more drinks, he was tipsy as well, to which I dragged him out of the car and made him have a talk with me. He told me he liked me but we're friends, and that he's afraid of getting involved with anyone because attachment normally leads to hurt. He proceeded to talk about his ex girlfriend, and the experiences he had, and honestly, it made me cry. We ended up just standing there, hugging and talking for about twenty minutes, and I honestly havent felt that raw emotion in a while. I feel like it brought me so much closer to him at that point, having someone who completely comprehends how scary it is to fall. I told him I knew what I wanted, because I did. I wanted him, and I think I still do, I was willing to take that chance and now i'm kind of afraid. He's so unpredictable. He's so insane. But he's so wild that it attracts me.

We ended up going back into the car after he promised me that he'd stop pretending to be so strong and not think about me, just for one day: my birthday. I wanted to see him, and I don't know if itll truly happen as I believed at the time, but he promised for one day that he wouldnt hold back about how he feels. Afterwards, my best friends boyfriend drove us home, while we cutely held hands in the backseat. I gave them all a hug, and he kissed me on the cheek goodbye. There were moments of that night I wish could have lasted forever, because I felt like the emotion was so real, and in ways we connected more that I thought we could. But life has to continue on, and who knows what will happen next. I'm excited for it all.

Until tomorrow,

xoxox Christine Ashley

Day Thirty Nine

"I like a girl with caked up makeup

In the sunshine smoking cigarettes to pass the time
Who wakes up to a bottle of wine on the nightstand
Bites and scratches the blinds"

- Mickey Avalon

Today was rather awful. I woke up at 12 p.m, got ready for work at 1:30, and headed in. I looked at the schedule and the big, blaring "12:30-5:00" was written on the schedule, with my name there. My boss comes into the back room and tells me that I was supposed to be in at 12:30, I felt sooo bad. Luckily she wasn't angry because it really was not busy, but I was stuck on cash now and sent home at 4:30 instead. Lame.

To make my day that much better, I came home to find out that this girl that I am not friends with (well I do not know her so I understand how she could have by accident done this), over-booked our birthdays. So I freaked out, realized I had to change the date of my birthday and I honestly felt all hell break loose. I felt like crying because I am such a perfectionist and I hate when things go wrong. I wish I could change that, because things in life will never be perfect. I I was supposed to throw my bonfire with a friend tonight but I did not even want to go out, although I ate dinner and realized I should go and have fun.

I called my friend and instead of the bonfire, we decided to go to this party at some boys house. Apparently amazing house, at least 80 people, it was supposed to be a good time. We got there and it was in the sketchiest area ever and to be honest, I was a little afraid but his house was so gorgeous inside I was rather jealous. He had the most beautiful hardwood flooring and a second floor balcony with a bar and bar stools and all this wicked stuff. I was relatively shocked because i'd never seen someone so young have such a sweet place. Eventually people with smoke machines and lighting came and people started to dance which was fun but I ended up spending the majority of the night upstairs with friends, and yes, the girl that asked bandgirl if she could kiss me.. well she did kiss me, and I enjoyed it.

I ended up going home to be home around 1:30, and although I would have liked to stay longer, I did not because I was quite drunk and wanted to talk to the boy I am seeing on the telephone. When I was about to fall asleep around 3:30 in the morning, I realized I had such a great day.

Until next time,

xoxox Christine Ashley

Day Forty

My ex girlfriend told me the most hilarious thing today. She was talking about bandgirl, and showed me some pictures of her that are on her facebook. She said she doesnt find her attractive, and I didnt particularly comment.

she says: (4:47:25 PM)

you made her who she is

Christine Ashley(L). oh my. says: (4:47:28 PM)

how

she says: (4:47:34 PM)

no no i mean like when you first started dating her she looked different

Christine Ashley(L). oh my. says: (4:48:00 PM)

yeah for sure.

she says: (4:48:03 PM)

well i cant imagine her ever being "cool" but yeah you gave her something

I kind of feel flattered by that statement. She hardly had any confidence, and for a while I guess I boosted that up (although its evident that she still isnt all that confident, and although we havent talked for quite a while, things do not change that much). I guess i'm being a tad superficial because clothes arent everything, although I believe they're important. I'm starting to find my niche and my style. I'm kind of a clothes snob, but I won't not be friends with someone because of what they wear, because I think thats silly. As I start hanging out with the hipster kids more though, I am quite enjoying their vibe and style. Its so laid-back yet sophisticated, and although I would not refer to myself as a hipster, I quite enjoy the association of hanging out with them.

Today I went out for dinner with my father to Canyon Creek. I wanted to go to Benihanas for my birthday but it was closed on Sunday's so he said he'd take me to Canyon and then to Benihana another day. It was delicious anyways. I had a lovely glass of italian Pinot Grigio (of course), caesar salad, mashed potatoes, a chipotle steak (mmmmmm sooooooo good) and we shared cheesecake for dessert. My dad got this amaziiing steak and lobster deal, I made him get it so he would share it with me. Best lobster ever. Honestly I am not a fish person at all but I love love love lobster, but only if it is already de-shelled, im not into that whole I can see the fishes eye kind of thing. Grosses me out.

After dinner we headed down to the lake to open presents, was so excited to see that I got these gorgeous little pearl earrings from Birks. I also got a few products from Sephora including this amazing multi stick from Nars and this Jean Paul Gaulthier perfume that I have been wanting forever. I'm stoked on tomorrow, because I may be getting my Coach products from my mother! Oh, I love brand name items :).

PS: All I want is for bandgirl to tell me happy birthday. I know thats kind of ridiculous. But I want it so bad. I dont think she will. Ill update you with this.. eventually.

Until tomorrow!,

xoxox Christine Ashley

Day Thirty Seven

2009-07-16T16:39:00.000-07:00

"Baby, you know what I miss you, I wanna get with you"

- Soulja Boy

I feel like i'm going to get myself in trouble again. To be honest, I have a trouble addiction. I think its sexy. And honestly, i'm not even sure i'm all that interested in her, I mean, I have always thought she was cute, but its just that its so illegal to like her. I bet you're wondering who she is (I feel like she reads my blog so its kind of scary! haha) but shes just this girl that I have been friends with for a while. Thing is, she's become close with bandgirl and I think it would be kind of bad if I did anything. But we'll see. I'm kind of stoked on my bonfire on Saturday night, even if not many people come. I know she will, because its our party, plus the "guy friend" is apparently making an appearance, and I know a lot of my girl friends will. Including coconuthead, who is pretty crazy herself, but i'm interested in seeing what goes on with that. And who she brings.

Today was super fun. I picked up my little party dress for my birthday (YAY) and a cute new pair of purple heels to go along with it. Tried it on when I got home, everything looks super fab together so I am a pretty stoked girl. I found out that Tryst doesnt have a guestlist which is suuuper lame so we're just going to need to line up, I hope my friends still end up coming, but I know it really doesnt matter to people. Especially if you at 10:30-11, it wont be too packed at all, and itll be fine. I'm excited for everything next week because I know it will be amazing, and my schedule so far is insanity. This is how it goes:

Sunday night - Canyon Creek downtown Toronto

Monday - Day with Jacob and The Keg with the mother

Tuesday - Some well needed homework time

Wednesday - Hump Day Bump at Wrongbar

Thursday - Augusta House in Kensington

Friday - Dinner at Spring Rolls and Tryst!

Saturday - Night in Gaytown (SLACKSS!)

I ended up going downtown with bandgirl's good friend, and we just hung out and talked. Grabbed some coffee, I smoked a copious amount of Belmont Cigarettes, you know, the usual. What else are summer days for if theyre not for spending with amazing friends under the sun on some cute little patio downtown?

Until tomorrow,

xoxox Christine Ashley

Day Thirty Six.

2009-07-15T20:47:00.000-07:00

"You put me in the magic position"

- Patrick Wolf

To start this entry off, you do not understand what just happened. I would love to tell you who this is because it is so insanely funny and crazy, but you wouldnt know anyways because she isnt a "constant" in my life. This girl started to talk to me out of nowhere, she used to really like me and stuff, asked me on a date, and I said no. Regardless, so this is how the conversation went:

girl says: would do me a great favour tho

Christine Ashley(L). says: (11:39:49 PM)

what

girl says: id pay you even

Christine Ashley(L). says: (11:39:51 PM)

lmao

Christine Ashley(L). says: (11:39:53 PM)

I dont need $

girl says: (11:39:53 PM)

100$?

girl says: (11:39:55 PM)

haha what

girl says: (11:40:24 PM)

or ill do all the oral for you

girl says: (11:40:26 PM)

lol'

girl says: (11:40:36 PM)

im good at it

Christine Ashley(L). says: (11:41:45 PM)

wait LOL

Christine Ashley(L). says: (11:41:47 PM)

geez

Christine Ashley(L). says: (11:41:49 PM)

what do I need to do

girl says: (11:42:49 PM)

oh like date me for a week

girl says: (11:42:50 PM)

or two

girl says: (11:42:57 PM)

just like a few friday nights

girl says: (11:42:59 PM)

or sat nights

She wants to wrap me into this situation with her ex girlfriend to scare her away with me because i'm "pretty" and she used to be interested in me. And she thinks it would be easier using me. Honestly, I need money, but i'm not that desperate hahaha. Also tonight, this girl that I used to see last summer decided to get angry because I would not talk to her on the phone (deja-vu, much?) and did not check my phone 24/7 for her texts (as it is broken and does not ring to notify me when someone has texted me). She now thinks its a mistake that she started talking to me again. Honestly, what is with me attracting people who obsess over nothing? Its mega frustrating.

Onto other things -- today I woke up thinking I did not want to go anywhere. Took a diet pill and fell back to sleep. They said to take it before breakfast, and I dont know if its bad that I no longer eat breakfast but I guess it should be fine? Who knows. I do not feel sick anymore and its day two so thats better. I promised the besties that I would end up seeing them today and although I did not want to go out I dragged myself out of bed and called them up. We decided to go downtown shopping, looking for my birthday dress. After trying on only two dresses, I found it. This really cute leopard number (if you know me, you know I love my animal prints). My bestie tried it on first and I said that I wanted to try it on, but I knew she may want it. She told me if I liked it better, I could take it, and honestly, it looked amazing. I think maybe due to the fact that I dropped a few pounds and I fit into a medium and it showed off my curves in all the right places. I got to excited because I would have never tried it on otherwise but it is just so cute and I cant wait to put my entire outfit together.

The rest of the day, we ended up walking all the way from Queen and Ossington (tried some of the Drakes amazing Mac' and Cheese, braceletgirl picked up some cause its her favourite, it was amaziiingg as she said, though the idea of peas in mac and cheese is relatively odd to me), shopped along some other stores (I got the cutest silver sequined beret) and I ended up having Manchu (Wok, but I call it Manchu for short) for dinner. I didnt even feel bad about that, considering we walked such a far distance, and I had nothing else all day, I felt like it was fine. Hopefully I am not over my calorie limit.

I came home around 8:30 p.m, exhausted, flopped down on the couch with a 100 calorie dairy milk chocolate bar (mmm amazing <3,>

Until next time,

xoxox Christine Ashley

Day Thirty Five.

2009-07-14T09:59:00.000-07:00

"You must talk so big, to make up for smaller things"

- Christine Aguilera

I FEEL SO SICK BECAUSE OF THESE SLIMQUICK PILLS. Maybe they dont work. So I woke up at 10:30 to take one and went back to bed, woke up, combined breakfast and lunch as usual, and now feel like i'm going to vomit. I hate throwing up. I better not throw up. It would be somewhat counterproductive to throw up the stuff in my system :(. I just want to see the "guy friend" today and hang out, and enjoy my day.

I did not end up working. He ended up not seeing me. Great, just great. Honestly, and after that I had a fight with my mom. Pretty sure this is the first day in a while I have cried. I feel stupid and used, I feel like he just wants me to be his "booty call". I could turn it around and make it seem like he's MY booty call, but I dont want that at all. I dont want to ruin this friendship. I hate it because I always fall for the bad boys and girls. The boys and girls who are just like me, non-committal and ridiculously unpredictable. In this situation, I turn into the girl who ends up falling for the non-committal person, I turn into the opposite of what I usually am. Its complicated and confusing, and I don't understand it. But thinking about it makes me lose faith again in people. I'm tired of not liking the "nice" people because I just don't find them interesting, but I fall for the bad guys/girls and well, get hurt. I'm just sick of people who only want in my pants and dont care about my personality because I have an amazing personality, and people would be lucky to be with me because if I really like someone, I would put my all into it. I'm just stupid, because where did I think this would go except for losing a friend that I have known forever. Its not worth it dating a friend, it just isn't. I regret liking him, already, and its been several days. I regret it so much. You're a jerk :(.

I'm going over to my besties, braceletgirl's house now, to watch a movie and have heart-to-hearts probably. I want to cry but i'm going to suck it up and enjoy the rest of my day. Booty Camp Fitness will make me feel better anyways, as long as i'm not so nauseous over these diet pills. GAH!

Later on this evening, I ended up going out with the new guy I have been seeing. He randomly decided he would drive down from Erin Mills to come and visit me and take me out for coffee. I think its cute, i'm not used to it, and i'm not used to the nice boy though. It made me happy to see him though, although I was scared that he would kiss me and I wasnt sure it was something that I wanted as of yet. He didnt, and we just spent a lovely night smoking, talking and driving around Bloor West Village. I have to say, it did make up for my "guy friend" bailing on me (and the tears) because I know theres a guy who could be so much better for me. I guess Friday will truly tell (when I see him next..)

Until tomorrow,

xoxox Christine Ashley

Day Thirty Four.

2009-07-13T12:41:00.001-07:00

Unfortunately last night I ended up writing in my blog very drunkenly. Hahah, reading it over today was hilarious, but honestly everything that I felt was valid and I still feel it. I'm so excited for tomorrow, for the chance to see him, to see what happens. After thinking of the past and everything, its just so weird that I have an interest in him, but at the same time I guess it isn't. At dinner in Little Italy several weeks ago, I joked around with the besties that I had a summer goal of hooking up with him. Little did I know, it might actually happen, but especially little did I know that I may feel more. I feel antsy and odd about it. I feel a little nervous because I get freaked out and stop talking to people I like, basically. I don't want it to change our friendship. And I feel like in a way, things will never be the same after this. But we've been distant for the past two years, and if things went back to that, it would just be the same as "usual". I'm just like, I dont know. Sure, he's hot, he has amazing style, but its like, my friend. This guy that I used to think was gay (deeefiiinitely not), this guy who is a total nerd inside. It makes me super nervous. I don't know what to think.

On the other hand, after I drunk dialed him last night, I drunk dialed the other guy I went on a date with the other day (remember, Port Credit and Baskin Robbins?). We ended up talking about an hour about sex and relationships and all these things that I would never discuss when I was sober, especially with a guy. I told him relationships freak me out and that i'm not going to be with someone unless I can see myself with them in the future. I remember I asked him lots of questions, and he asked me some. Before I left, he asked me if I would stay with someone that I was dating when I went back to school in Waterloo. I honestly thought about it before I replied that I would because I have before. This whole idea and concept of being with one person really, entirely freaks me out. What if theres someone else out there? What if there is something better? I'm afraid to give anyone a chance, and I feel like if I were to give ANYONE a chance to be in a relationship with me, it would be bandgirl, but I would never go back to that regardless (and that opportunity would never arise, would it?). I definitely went to bed smiling about everything. My friend is so cute, and the date boy was very cute as well. Its adorable how they're both into me. But I cant just keep seeing two men at once. I know i'm single but well, it seems like a lot to handle. Hmmm, i've done it beforee.......

Today I went to Square One with my grandmother and went shopping. Honestly its crazy to say since there are extraordinary sales on, that I could not find anything that I liked. Then I went to one store and found a few pairs of jeans and a dress. So cute! My grandma decided to buy them for me and then we went out to Spring Rolls for lunch, deliiiiciouuus mmmm. So good. But did you know that Pad Thai is apparently worse for you than pizza? Me neither! But it worries me and my diet. Worried me so much that I went to Shoppers and am going on the Slimquick capsules starting tomorrow. We'll see if it works, I suppose.

I'm going for a walk with braceletgirl tonight and we're going to catch up on our weekends. I missed her. Then the Bachelorette, a season finale that I cannot miss, will be on. Leave it to me to stay home and watch a television show with the mother :P. Whatever, I can't wait until tomorrow, because i'll get to see him (the "friend") again :)!!!

P.S: I had the chat with bandgirl, the it sucks that were not friends chat. I just wondered if she missed it ever,

this was her reply:

i dont know really i have seperated myself from even thinking about it

haha im in a good place and thats all i need to know

the past is staying where it needs to.. in the past

In a way, I agree, i'm fine with it, I just wish we could be friends and the whole situation wasnt so juvinile and immature.

Until tomorrow,

xoxox Christine Ashley

P.S: I wish I looked like Kristen Stewart. Well, not really because I like the way I look. But well, I just think she's sexy as hell. She's growing on me with this entire Twilight trend. Shes gorgeous and well, I feel just sad for her that Robert Pattinson broke her heart.

Day Thirty Three

2009-07-12T09:45:00.001-07:00

"You should know what its like, when it hurts, cause it feels so right"

- Paris Hilton

Today I really did not do much. Woke up, called work, was not working again, went to the LCBO, got alcohol for tonight, got ready for tonight. I'm so stoked on seeing the other bestie and just going to my guy friends place. I'm still hoping it wont rain because the weather is unpredictable though it does seem to have blown over a bit.

Hmm, ps remind me never to date anyone. Now I understand how single men feel when their friends get girlfriends and all they can think of is, damn I guess we wont be hanging out as much anymore. I honestly lose all my friends to relationships. well not lose completely, but somewhat. Including the bestie who spends all her time with her boyfriend (I guess I would be the same though, although i'm 100% anti-relationship).

So i'm back from the party. And honesty, I feel like i'm cheating. I'm not even in a relationship and I feel that and thats bad. I feel like this boy I went on a date with is so into me that he wants to not share me with other people. He shows it through his texts, through his msn conversations, through his actions. I feel awful because I like my old friend. I really really do, which is sad because he is going away in several months. And honestly, he is not the most superb kisser. But I miss him already. I miss him a lot actually. He says he likes me, and I want to see what happens. Sad thing is, he's going provinces away to university in September, and its honestly not worth starting something. I would. But its July 12th, 2009. School starts September. And with my luck, he will be moving in before. I feel like I just want to see him all the time. There is just something about him thats crazy. I'm so into it. I don't know how to feel but I just want to feel this. Its amazing and i'm not going to stop -- even if it hurts later on. Live, I think, just live. There were three guys in this hot tub tonight at my friends house (the guy that I adore). They were all enjoying touching my leg underwater. At the same time that I enjoyed it (like any girl enjoying all the men's attention because well, just cause I can) I felt like it was gross and I clinged onto the guy I like. Honestly, I have never done this. I am a strong, independent female. I have no interest in clinging on to one male or female, for that matter. And at this time, I did. Strange, very strange. But i'll be seeing him on Wednesday and I can hardly wait. Until then, you'll be hearing minimal news (except for shopping and playing with the little cousin). Until then, you will have to wait.

Him: "Honestly Chrissie, at this point I dont care what people say, and I hope you dont either"

Me: "I dont"

Him: "Okay well, good night"

Me: "Goodnight"

I dont care what people say. If these guys that I were friends with in grade ten and eleven, were truly my friends, they would understand that I like him, no matter how much they like me. I want this. And if its only for about fifty days, I will make the most of it.

Until tomorrow,

xoxox Christine Ashley

Day Thirty One and Thirty Two

2009-07-11T19:48:00.001-07:00

Day Thirty One

"I wanted to give him a traditional African American name"

"What is it"

"OJ"

- Bruno

Yesterday was amazing. I woke up and got ready for my date, which let me tell you, was actually cute. To be honest, I was (relatively) surprised that this guy could keep my attention for more than fifteen minutes, because I cant relate with a lot of guys. But he didnt treat me like a piece of ass and it seems like he was actually interested in what I was saying, which was cute. He picked me up in his car around 1 p.m and the funny thing was, right as I was about to open his front seat, he told me that it was broken and that I could hop in. Broken, the door that is. I thought to myself, hell no, and jumped into the back. Don't get me wrong, it wasnt a ghetto car whatsoever (actually he has two, and one vintage one), but the door was just broken. We got into his car and rode along Lakeshore to Port Credit, which was actually really pretty. I haven't been there, ever, and I always pass by it in the Go Train and wish that I could be kayaking or canoeing in the river down there. I think that would be beautiful (plus the tan you would get would be stellar). We ended up getting ice cream from Baskin Robbins (we both got chocolate chip cookie dough haa, it was awesome). We just basically spent the day talking by the water, smoking Belmonts and just relaxing, getting to know each other. It honestly took the pressure off a lot having a day date. The only problem is that he is shorter than me, but whatever, I can deal. I'm not thaaaat shallow (I do not think?). Around 5 p.m, he dropped me home and I called the bestie to go see Bruno with me and a guy friend.

I stripped off my clothes, quickly changed into a little dress and flats and jetted over to the besties. Oh by the way, I think she deserves a name now, because I talk about her so often. So I shall introduce her as braceletgirl. You would understand if you have seen our friendship since grade ten, when we used to be raver children and wear many beaded colourful rave bracelets up our arms. Regardless -- back to the story. We caught the bus and headed downtown to meet up with our guy friend, juuust catching the 6:30 p.m movie, which was only an hour an a half. Bruno was ridiculous and slightly pornographic, it was so random. I honestly felt like I was watching something X rated at times with all the nudity, but I cannot remember the last time I laughed so hard (despite it being stupid humour, which isnt usually my style). Little did I know when I slipped on that dress that I would be going to a party after. We met up with this girl from Kings University and headed for the party, a party that when I got there, I realized I knew no one. It wasn't so bad after several glasses of cheap red wine, a sex talk with the guy friend, and some kisses later (scandalous, right?). Honestly, though, when you're single, with a sexy guy friend who you've been friends with since grade ten that you have never, ever kissed, why should you try to resist?

Until next time,

xoxox Christine Ashley

Day Thirty Two

"Mostly I dream about being with you forever"

- Bella Swan, Twilight

Woke up to rain pounding down on the ground and thunder shaking my house. Great, I thought, i'm not going to be able to sleep past 9 a.m today and thus i'm going to end up eating more calories because I wont be combining breakfast and lunch. Joking, well, kind of. Anyways, I did fall back to sleep, until almost 1 p.m, when I had to get up and check if I was working, which I wasn't (annoying much?). Today I ended up going to Coach with the mother to show her what I desired for my birthday. I found this adorable Coach tote that you can also use as a laptop bag, and this gorgeous little gold wristlet to use at the clubs. Awesome. I'm stoked to see what I actually get for my birthday. I hope I get both hah :)!

I decided not to go out because my bestie, braceletgirl, ended up going to some poetry reading with a few of her friends instead of going to a show down at Harbourfront today. I wasn't interested in listening to over-emotional, downer poetry at the Drake Hotel, so I decided to stay home and watch Twilight with my mother. To be honest, I have been dreading the pop culture frenzy of the movie, and have sort of scolded anyone who has watched it and become a clone to society's trends. But, I did watch it, and now I can see what all the hype is about. Its beautiful. Edward and Bella, I mean. Honestly, i'm not too big on the whole story about vampires chasing people and such, kind of creepy to be honest, but their love story is so amazing. I definitely need a boyfriend like Edward, and if I did, maybe I would be able to be stable and with one person. Not maybe, i'm sure I would. He's just, gorgeous and amazing and breathtaking and knows how to treat a woman. Sadly, I believe that things like that only occur in fairytales :(.

The funniest thing just happened though, I commented on facebook asking what UFC was, and then someone laughed at me so I told her off. Got a bunch of people getting mad at me, saying I need to get out more if I do not know what it is. Honestly, who wants to watch that sort of stuff on television? Its low-grade, classless and trashy. I have no interest in that and would definitely defend my opinions against people who believe otherwise. Honestly, i'd much prefer being out with my friends than watching some fat guys or trashy women fight on television. People need to get over themselves and their drama. I find it all hilarious, like go back to high school.

On a sweet note, i'm stoked on tomorrow. Hot tub party (take II) at the guy friends house. But first, dinner with my daddy. Stoked on life!

Until next time,

xoxox Christine Ashley

Day Thirty.

2009-07-09T21:01:00.000-07:00

"Someday maybe somebody will love me like I need, and someday I wont have to prove cause somebody will see, all my worth but until then ill do just fine on my own, with my cigarettes and this old dirt road"

- The Wreckers

I am sooooo exhausted. Today I woke up to my mother freaking out about something, what else is new. Honestly at times, I am so sick of being home. I would much rather be in Waterloo with my freedom. And other times, I am content being here, when she is nice and stuff. At least she ordered me two pairs of little yoga booty shorts from Victoria's Secret Pink today for my Booty Camp Fitness class. I was supposed to go on that date with frat boy, but he never got back to me last night and then when I woke up this morning he wanted to get together later during the day. I am really starting to feel like he just wants to hook up with me, to which I have no interest. I mean, I guess any girl likes sex and stuff, but I really do not want to hook up with some random guy who I haven't met yet. I aint no booty calllll!!!

Guys are just so gross these days. You couldnt imagine the number of guys who like, want me to come over to their house either early during the day or late at night. You know what that means, dont you? Honestly, desperation is not hot. I have never fallen for that, nor I ever will. I need someone who will keep me on my toes, and who will keep me on the chase, not someone who wants to bang me right away. Regardless, I had a lovely and relaxing day (minus the mother drama). Went tanning in the backyard (got a little burnt, but whatever), went to the salon and got my eyebrows waxed, went to booty camp fitness, life is looking up. And I, for one, am looking good ;).

Anyways, I kind of feel like rambling a bit so I thought i'd share with you,

I love her. Its not the kind of love that needs something in return anymore, but I love her. Its just the little things that she responds that I hold so dear, that I always will, despite how much I believe that I am over it at this point. I love everything about her, even when we have ridiculous, pointless arguments that only distance us further. I love her, and I always will, no matter what, even if it is not to the point where I can say that I am in love with her anymore, that love will be significant in one way or another. I need her. I thought that at one point, but i've let go of it now, it has always been more of another element, an element called want. I want her. And only her, I think she is the only girl I will legitimately be capable of being with because she's the only girl I could see myself committing to. How could that be that someone could capture my heart so much that I can only see myself with them. Maybe it truly was love. I trust her. To always be there, even if its her one word answers in online conversations, I trust it. I trust that she'll never entirely leave, even if I do not take up any part of her brain, nor heart, any longer. Love. Need. Want. Trust. Some of the most important elements in life, all fulfilled by her. How could she let this go, I don't know. But now that its gone, its moments like this, on a Thursday night at 12:37 a.m, that I miss it so.

Date at Port Credit with this band BOY tomorrow. Cant wait but a little nervous. Wait, forget that, majorly nervous. Wish me luck?

Until next time,

xoxox Christine Ashley

Day Twenty Nine

2009-07-08T16:11:00.000-07:00

"You were my sun, you were my earth, but you didnt know all the ways I loved you"

- Justin Timberlake

Oh my gosh, I cant remember the last time I have been this sore. Its like someone threw my body into a brick wall and ran a car into it after. Awful. I kind of sometimes think im masochistic because I like the burn and the pain (eg I love piercing pain), but man oh man, this is intense. Its the "24 hour workout burn" as I learned in kickboxing and I had gotten used to it, until I started rarely working out since April. Ah!

So, the creepiest thing happened today. I was on the phone with my mom and then once I hung up, I heard the phone beeping as if it was off the hook downstairs. I was afraid there was an intruder or something in the house, so I went to the bathroom and locked the door. I called my mom to freak out and she ridiculed me (what else is new), so I got the guts to go downstairs and check it out. The weird part is, the noise was coming from the living room, and when I went downstairs, I recognized that I had the front hall phone in my hand, and that the other two were on the hook. It was really strange, and I think it was a ghost. Now dont go thinking i'm crazy because I do not have any psychological disorders or anything, but I truly believe in ghosts, I saw them as a child, and I do not have any urge to see them any longer. Creepy. While I was locked into my bathroom, I called one of my friends from Thornhill totally forgetting that she would be with bandgirl today. After screaming into the phone having a minor panic attack, I was like "wait.. are you with bandgirl?" and she was with her in her kitchen. Great, so its not as if she doesnt have all these predetermined perceptions of me already, now she can add this to it. I'm not crazy though!!! So I called the bestie frantically after realizing I should let my friend go before bandgirl though I was more insane, and I got the bestie to go on a walk with me.

It was lovely, I needed to go for a walk to lose more calories for my diet, and I really enjoyed it. I love walking by the lake, and spending time with her. We have such nice talks. I came home to do my Booty Camp Fitness DVD in my living room with my yoga mat, and after fifteen minutes of hardcore squats and lunges I thought I may die. Such a good workout though. I feel healthier already! Two days into my goal of losing three-four inches! I can do it, I know it!!! I have hardly eaten today either which is a bonus, although this low-carb dieting business is quite tough and I am not enjoying it whatsoever (bread=loveeee).

Tonight I decided I simply will veg out and relax before my lunch date tomorrow. Oh yes, I forgot to mention, but I met this new boy off of that dating website and he wants to take me out for lunch. He seems really sweet and very good looking, he is a fraternity boy from University of Ottawa and he has impeccable fashion sense as well. I'm hoping its just as good in person. So i'm excited for that. I've been having all the boys all over me lately, but I still do not feel fulfilled. Maybe after a few days I will, I just want to find love again, and I feel like i'm looking in the least likely of places, but do not know where to search. Find me love!!

Along these lines, by the way, i'm not over you. Not even close, not one bit. I want to fix it, but its impossible, especially with the fact that I dont know if I could offer you what you want. So now, i'll just sit and wait until I forget, though I feel like my yearning for you is going to last. I'm just going to pretend it isnt there (p.s: this isn't about bandgirl, not at all, surprisingly, though I have been missing her a bit more than usual lately...)

Until next time,

xoxox Christine Ashley

Day Twenty Five/Twenty Six/Twenty Seven/Twenty Eight

2009-07-07T09:55:00.000-07:00

Day Twenty Five

"I never needed pain, I never needed strain, my love for you was strong enough, you should have known"

- Pussycat Dolls

I woke up today feeling rather sluggish from last night. Ugh, seriously, definitely drank too much at the Brunny. I looked down at my leg and noticed I had a huge bruise, and wondered where was that from. Until I remembered I fell on the ground at the Brunny, luckily I did not get kicked out. How embarrassing. Work at eleven, was interesting. I'm starting to make lots more sales which is super good and exciting. After work I met up with my two besties and we went to our friends house for this band thing in his backyard. I thought it would be super fun, and it was lovely seeing everyone, but boy was it depressing.

Honestly, the entire time all these bands played with accordions and stuff that you never see unless the band is super indie, which is the awesome part, but the music was really sad and it made me want to cry haha. The bestie and I had to go on a walk because I started to feel really depressed. The only good thing about the day was seeing two of my good guy friends and going out for dinner in Little Italy to Vivoli. Such a good restaurant. Oh, and the fact that I got a good tan.

I got home, and blasted some happy music. I needed to get the sadness out of my system. It started to make me think of bandgirl, and considering how awesome ive been doing not thinking about her at all, I didnt want to start.

Until tomorrow,

xoxox Christine Ashley

Day Twenty Six

Longest work day of life. Honestly, I know i'm being silly because five hours is short, but working at Bath and Body Works is more intense than you would predict. My manager is extremely intense and if you stand just relaxing for more than ten seconds, you're in big trouble. So I had to bust my ass running around, giving people "wet demos" at the sink (aka hand massages with some body wash) all day. Afterwards, my hands were shriveled, but overall I had fun. I love it when my managers tell me how amazing i'm doing over the headsets when everyone else is listening, because they didnt tell anyone else that. It was sort of impressive :)! So yay for that.

Tonight my dad and I went out for dinner for his birthday. I dont know if I told you, but we hadnt talked for two weeks because he was being really rude about certain things, so I decided I should get together with him for a belated birthday dinner. We went to East Sides (the usual, but we were going to go to the Keg although there was not enough time). After dinner, we went to see Transformers. Now, I was kind of hesitant about it but it was actually amazing. Shia Labeuf is just so hot, i'm kind of jealous of Megan Fox haha.

The rest of the night I spent relaxing at home, talking to babyD and catching up on life.

Until next time,

xoxox Christine Ashley

Day Twenty Seven

"You the best I ever had, best I ever had"

- Drake

After praying and praying i'm not working today, I realized i'm not, and decided to drag myself to Mississauga to see some of the girlies that I havent seen in a while. My friend decided to come along and bring some Heinekin, and me, her and another friend met up and took the 'Sauga bus all the way down to South Common area. It took FOREVER. When we got there, I was just super excited, I couldnt stop jumping around. I missed these girls, its been forever since I had seem them, so it felt. In reality, it was only a few weeks.

We ended up going to the forest near U of T Mississauga and hung out and drank. It was pretty random and fun. Got pretty drunk off of three beers, oh dear being a lightweight is pretty decent. Decided to come home around 11:30 because I was just exhausted, and passed out. I guess eating less equals to being more lightweight. Score?

Until tomorrow,

xoxox Christine Ashley

Day Twenty Eight

"Nothing tastes as good as thin feels"

Woke up today too lazy to go out, rolled out of bed and into my computer chair. I was hoping I did not have to work again, though secretly hoping I did due to my lack of funds, and I called in at twelve to be informed that I am not working. Since I had my first day of Booty Camp Fitness at eight p.m, I decided not to do anything during the day and just to laze around the house. Can I say, Booty Camp Fitness was SO HARD? They made us do one hour of pure hell. Basically, its thirty minutes running and twenty minutes abs/arms/legs (think lunges, squats..) in intervals. Its called interval training because you do 1.5 minutes of running as fast as you can, get down on your yoga mat and do a minute of abs and then run again, and so on. You get the point. So amazing to feel that burn though.

I just love working out. When I got home I read my Booty Camp Fitness workout book and started setting some goals. In four weeks, I hope to lose four inches, in eight weeks ten pounds, and my goal for one year from now is to run a marathon and try out for Canada's Next Top Model.

I have started to make a thinspiration board, including these celebs (so hot and THIN <3):

And this:

I definitely have a weight problem but I dont really care. I'm so excited to tone up and look super sexy. After all its true, nothing tastes as good as thin looks! ;)

Until tomorrow,

xoxox Christine Ashley

Day Twenty/Twenty One/Twenty Two/Twenty Three/Twenty Four (catching up on lost time!)

2009-07-04T11:42:00.000-07:00

Day Twenty

“Come on baby we aint gonna live forever, let me show you all the things we can do, you know you want to be together, and I want to spend the night with you. Come with me tonight, we can make the night last forever” - The Veronicas

I don’t know what it is but I can’t get you out of my head. It isn’t bugging me, but its shocking when someone is in my head so much. The thing is, I get that you’re so hard to tie down, so am I. Its practically impossible because I just have no interest with the concept of being with one person. Its not even that I want to date like, four people at once, its just the fact that being with someone and potentially being committed in one way or another, or the idea of attachment is terrifying. So, how would this ever realistically work if youre the same way?

But are things changing, or is it just me? Maybe things aren’t changing for you, because where you stand is a mystery to me, but I’m so into you. The thing is, there are so many others but lately all I’ve wanted was you. Even when I had other opportunities arise, its like, somehow I turned them down (which is hard because there have been some really cute people). Example, I know he wanted me because of his actions, or attempts of, and I couldn’t do it, because of you. What’s happening to me? The thing is, I want you. I’m a little nervous that it isn’t just a crush, considering everything that has happened or could happen, but probably wont. I wish I could get in your head and see how you feel. A lot of things my life are a blur at this point, just when I was about to figure it out. It isn’t a bad thing, life is supposed to be unpredictable and I’m supposed to embark on crazy adventures. But to be honest, I just cant get enough :S.

For the first time, I realized that I’m so oblivious to boys. Maybe its because I’ve spent the longest time avoiding them but I definitely do not know how to act around them. Even though I had a whole year of super close guy friends (we drifted cause of drugs and other issues), they weren’t “typical guys”. Its not like I find it awkward hanging out with boys, its just that I don’t know if how I’m acting is right. Everyone thinks I’m naïve because I don’t know a lot, but I think I’m just super sheltered. I don’t want to be innocent and naïve and silly anymore. And I don’t want anything else than this to start it off.

I cant get you out of my head I cant get you out of my head. Honestly, all I want to do is grab you and kiss you. I cant wait until I see you again, I hope you come out for my birthday. But I’m afraid that I’ll never act on this because I’m way too shy. I think you would doubt that I care about you anyways considering the circumstances and the fact that I act like we’re just friends. I’m frustrated because I don’t want to make the first move. I hope you make it, even though in some ways you have. Its complicated because where do you stand? I wish I could just send you brainwaves to let me know.

P.S: On another note. You. I finally realized I am so much better without you. I’m so over you and I don’t care, and although its taken me “21 months” to get to this point I couldn’t be more relieved. I was shielded from the fact that I have amazing amazing amazing friends, that I’m in an awesome sorority, get good grades, go to a fun school, have sweet goals in life and have lots of people who love me. Im actually happier now and I wouldn’t lie for a second. Take that bandgirl!

P.P.S: HAPPY BIRTHDAY DADDY (even though we haven’t talked for two weeks)

Day Twenty One

“I don’t know whats right and whats real anymore. And I don’t know how I’m meant to feel anymore. And when do you think it will all become clear? Cause i’m being taken over by the fear”

- Lily Allen

You know, there really is something wrong with society. I’m starting to feel like there truly is this double standard where guys can have sex with a girl and it mean nothing, but if girls do the same thing they are considered a slut. I guess that double standard has always existed, but it was never something I had to think about. I still don’t, although its been on my mind. I suppose I came to this conclusion because I’ve been doing a lot of thinking being up here without interaction with others except for my family, and the occasional cell phone text, ah (I kind of miss home and my big city lifestyle with my friends, I’ve gotten away enough this summer already!)

Regardless, on with my point. Its not only the double standard issue that I have been considering, but other issues just about how confusing guys are. I don’t understand how straight girls can put themselves through guy stuff on a continuous basis. It must be extremely stressful, because I don’t find lesbians or bisexuals who go for girls have these issues. Being with a girl is so much easier even though it is not something that I want at this point. With a girl, you just go for it because you don’t need to concern yourself about gender roles. But with a guy, can you legitimately tell him that you like him without worrying how he’d react? I don’t think so. Can you go for the first kiss without worrying that he’d back off or just be a jerk because his friends are there? Unlikely. Or maybe I’m just not gutsy enough to do these things. There are so many things you need to consider, like if you’d scare him off by admitting your true feelings, if you’d ruin your friendship, what others would think. Some girls would deny contemplating these things before going for what they want, but we all know that we stress about it. It’s a girl thing. And I know that girls, whether straight or gay, play through situations over and over in their head before deciding what’s right. Sometimes, just sometimes I’ve realized, you just need to dive in head first and go for what you want though, even if the water is going to be super cold, dark and scary. I hate how alcohol is my liquid confidence.

I was watching the Bachelorette and I totally agree with Jillian on what she said. She said that usually the guys that fall in love with her she needs to let go because she’s not interested, and the guys that she likes are total heartbreakers. Its simply because everyone wants what they cant have, but what if I could have you? Would I still want it? Something tells me I would. Isn’t there just something super sexy about the bad boy, the heartbreaker? I really find that I like guys who are just, so hard to get, who act like they don’t care, and who are incredibly.. bad with the actions that they take. Sexiest thing ever.

I just cannot wait for this month! I plan to look super sexy for my birthday – I’m going to get a gorgeous little dress from Champagne and Cupcakes on Queen (amazing little boutique), have an amazing night clubbing, and hopefully get what I want. I’m taking this boot camp thing all month so I’m hoping it pays off. Here comes my July diet! I intend on looking and feeling super hot just in time for back to school, oh, and sooner ;)!

As for the cottage, I’ve just been chilling a lot. I went over to Wasaga today which was pretty cool, but it rained most of the day so we stayed inside. I woke up from my nap and it stopped raining, so I decided to go for a jog. Honestly, there is nothing that feels better than running as fast as you can, listening to a song with a good beat on your ipod. It makes me feel so sexy, I feel so free like I could run forever. I love the feeling where your out of breath and your whole body hurts, because the benefits feel so good after.

For once, I intend on being the exception and not the rule. Fuck He’s Just Not That Into You. Forget the whole not calling after the date thing. Forget it all. Just in case I need to contemplate the “rules”, I decided I’m already the exception.

Day Twenty Two

HAPPY CANADA DAY! Although I do not really celebrate, I suppose it is kind of fun. I know in my area, everyone tends to go to Ribfest, and although I went as a child sometimes, I find it is rather trashy and over-rated. Just, the caliber of people there are not the kinds of people I would hang out with. And..after all, eating a million ribs isn’t good for your waistline anyways (plus beer ontop of that? yikes). I believe that its cancelled this year regardless due to the stupid garbage strike. Seriously, its getting out of hand and kind of disgusting, and when the strike is over the garbage people are going to have their work cut out for them. For another year, I’m at the cottage with my family for Canada Day. I’m not a big fan of fireworks, although I’m sure they would be romantic in a cute spot with someone you like. For example, I had this awesome Victoria’s Day at an east-end Toronto beach with good wine, some good friends on a beautiful dock. But normally, its simply over-crowded, full of drunk stupid people, and not cute whatsoever.

I know I sound super spoiled but I have been away so much lately and I kind of just want to spend time at home. I’m torn lately between where my “real home is” because I’m just itching to go back to Waterloo (for various reasons!) but I miss Toronto too. Since school ended, I’ve spent my time in Toronto, with trips to Punta Cana, Connecticut and New York, and now to the cottage, this private beach in Georgian Bay. I kind of just want to enjoy the rest of my summer with my friends, in my own house before I have to pack up my bags and move back to Waterloo again for six months. I guess I’m super homesick, but at the same time I feel ridiculous feeling such sentiments, and know if I told my mother she’d laugh and tell me I’m spoiled and should be enjoying myself. We went to the mall today (this small mall near the cottage with Suzy Shier and Stitches, that’s basically it for the “decent” stores although I’d never shop there), and it hit me how much I miss home. I just felt like crying right there. I’m definitely a huge baby sometimes.

I miss him too. As for him, I realized I shall give him a nickname too, because I simply cant be referring to “him” as “him” forever, it’ll get too complicated and confusing. I’ve been trying to think of things I relate to him but its hard (that’s what she said?). I suppose I can name him hurricane (you’d understand if you were there). Anyways, so I do miss hurricane. Its silly, because I don’t mean a thing i’m sure, but the past two nights I haven’t been able to get it out of my head, get him out of my head. I’m not sure how I’m going to approach this, and I’m not even sure if I will. Its so strange because when I think of hurricane, I get this tingly feeling in my tummy. Is it butterflies? No guy has ever consistently made me feel this way every time I see him, it makes me nervous. And.. ah, part of me wants to sit back and see how things unroll, but I know if I don’t act like I care, he’ll think I probably don’t. God, I’m so bad at showing people how I feel.

Just randomly – you know what annoys me? When people put an “s” on the end of everything Italian it seems. Theres this amazing little Italian bakery in Bolton and my aunt refers to it as “Mercato’s instead of Mercato. Just stuff like that. I don’t know why it annoys me haha, its just not politically correct.

So its 1:04 a.m, I cant sleep and I get an alarming text from the lesbian (ex)-roomie saying that one of our besties (the married one) is in trouble. She got kicked out and now is looking for a place to stay, and is being taken advantage of by some creepy man at Yonge and Finch. I’m a little concerned, but there is also little I can do being 100 + miles away in Georgian Bay with no driving capabilities. I could never understand people’s parents who kick them out, like seriously, maybe your child is being a problem but is it ever enough to kick them out? I mean how unsafe is that? People are ridiculous nowadays, definitely uncaring and self-centered. I guess at times like this I love my crazy and ridiculous over-protective mother.

Anyways – get me out of here, I want to come home and have some more new exciting summer news filled with gossip and boys, and there’s not much of that up here in Georgian Bay (may I dare say, yet?)

Day Twenty Three

“Touch me right here, kiss me right there baby, you got me hooked I just wont let it go”

- Addictiv

I woke up today thinking that it was going to be a busy day, and it was. At least its distracted me from thinking of all the things I need to do when I get home tomorrow night. AH!!!!

To do (note to self!):

- plan out birthday – send facebook invites

- schedule hair appointment

- email Rachel about sisterhood committee and plans

- learn Mad by Ne-Yo on piano! :)!

- Email mentees

- Download “Hush” by Pussycat Dolls (um, amazing song/summer theme song perhaps?!)

I miss my university SOOOO MUCH. It hit me the other day. When I got home in April, it was like, what university? I couldn’t be happier to be home, but the feeling has faded and next summer I think I might stay up there. Its not like I don’t love Toronto, but I wish I could have both of my worlds at the same time, though its impossible. I miss my university lifestyle – you know, the drinking, the partying, the amazing friendships, the hot boys, the small-town-yet-big-parties lifestyle. Love it.

Anyways so today was a lot more fun than other days. Even though the weather has been consistently crappy, my aunt and three cousins came up to visit. My little cousin is just the cutest thing, she’s definitely this little strong, outspoken drama queen child. Everyone says she’s the mini version of me (I hope that’s a compliment? haha). It was nice to play with my little cousins, we went on walks, played in the water. The sun FINALLY came out. My back is sooo burnt from windburn but otherwise ive developed a semi-tan from one day of sun. Could be better, could be worse. I wanted to come back nice and bronze, and although I had no such luck, it was still a relaxing vacation (though I’m sure tomorrow will be extremely slow as I wait to go home).

Coming home tomorrow and torn between going out with my bestie and some of her friends to somewhere I most likely will not get in, or going out with my old high school friend to the Brunny and partying the night away before she goes and plays volleyball for provincials. I guess I’ll see how I feel when I wake up.

As for hurricane, well, I haven’t thought much about it. I feel like, as other times before, its just a feeling that will pass soon enough, and I’ll be over it in no time. After all, I have been considering this new guy who… well…. has some interesting assets to say the least ;)!

I kind of just want to lie in bed, watch Knocked Up and Zack and Miri Make A Porno and chill for days. But tomorrow night is Friday, and we all know what that means. After all, I always let in for a good party.

Love, as always,
xoxox Christine Ashley

--------------------

Day Twenty Four

“But god does it feel so good, cause I got him where I want him now, and if you could then I know you would, cause god it just feels so good”
- Paramore

I wrote song lyrics last night, and wondering if you’ll like it, I thought I’d add it on here.

“Liquid Courage Sympathy”

Watching me from the other side of the room

Should I look back up at you

And with this glance its just so clear

I know, I know you want my lips

What more could you ask for on a night like this

The teasing looks, its simply bliss

Lights glaring, cameras flashing, make your way through the crowd

Music blaring, drums crashing, your voice is way too loud

But all I see is your big blue eyes glancing into mine

Flash that smile, touch my arm, steal some of my sweet time

Give me a beer or two or three

You’re my liquid courage sympathy

When you wake up you will see

Despite you crawling over me

You were just my liquid courage sympathy

Watching me sitting up at the bar

I pretend to not know who you are

After all those nights sprawled in your room

I know, I know you want my heart

Its something I’ve portrayed from the start

As we both fight to leave a different mark

Lights glaring, cameras flashing, make your way through the crowd

Music blaring, drums crashing, your voice is way too loud

But all I see is your big blue eyes glancing into mine

Flash that smile, touch my arm, steal some of my sweet time

Give me a beer or two or three

You’re my liquid courage sympathy

When you wake up you will see

Despite you crawling over me

You were just my liquid courage sympathy

The morning comes and I’m undone, leaving you in bed

Pour a coffee, drink it down, down with the words you said
Headache burning, heart still yearning after the long night
Go back to bed and sleep ‘til noon, what will you bring tonight?

Cant wait until tonight.

I was honestly just lying in bed last night at 11:30 p.m (my whole family goes to bed so early), thinking I had nothing to do and while listening to Merry Happy by Kate Nash had the inspiration to write something rather different than my style. The majority of my lyrics are rather tragic yet sappy, with love as a focus, but I decided to focus on something else that people can relate with. Interpret it however you like, I’m pretty sure its self-explanatory (though it can be taken in several ways, I mean it to focus on one person). I’m kind of excited because I think its super different and more fun from the other pieces I’ve written. I think I may want to start writing the music for it first before any other song, because its happy and upbeat, and so current to how im feeling lately.

I’m also not sure about this, I got this tune of another song in my head and revised the lyrics a lot, practically to create a new song with some bits and pieces of the old revised one in it. This is called “Wishful thinking”

“Wishful thinking”

You were something that I wanted

But all you wanted, was to leave me haunted

Marking the past so clear

It was three a.m and we were on the phone

Comfort to make us feel less alone

When I love you was all we had

But you left with my heart

Where did you go

Couldn’t you say
Just let me know

But you left me here, to feel

Before I go to sleep in bed

I would call you, yeah I would call you

Just to hear a voice at night

You were just a vice of mine

Typical, typical little thing

I wish you were just a fling

Was this something that I needed

Did I need you to complicate it

This little mess I call my life

Its ten o’clock and I feel the tension

Rehearsing the words I should have mentioned

When I love you never meant a thing

But you left with my heart

Where did you go

Couldn’t you say
Just let me know

But you left me here, to feel

Before I go to sleep in bed

I would call you, yeah I would call you

Just to hear a voice at night

You were just a vice of mine

Typical, typical little thing

I wish you were just a fling

You were something that I needed

Because the truth was understated

Until reality set in

Its five o’clock and I’ve stopped waiting

The clarity in your words just overstating

As you walk away

Before I go to sleep in bed

I would call you, yeah I would call you

Just to hear a voice at night

You were just a vice of mine

Typical, typical little thing

I wish you were just a fling

..Wishful thinking

Its about an ex of mine, bandgirl actually (who else?). It started as a more angry version of the revised lyrics, but this truly sums up how I felt, I believe. At the point of our breakup, I felt lots of things, but I wished we never got to the point where I fell so in love. I was so attached, and this song is linked to the phone and has several references because we would talk on the phone for hours a night, we were kind of like a safety net for one another. Its just so much easier when you have that person who you just turn to whenever its convenient, the “fling” idea, but sometimes you get captivated, addicted, someone turns into your vice and your bad habit. She was that for me. I feel like this captures that, at least I hope it does. That’s the main concept.

Tonight I came home from the cottage (FINALLY!). I missed my friends and everything and well, updating you all on here ;)! I had to rush home, and get ready to go to my old high school friends house. On the way, I called the bestie to figure things out and bring her with me. We all decided to party which was pretty awesome. After getting to my friends house, a few drinks later and we were off to the Brunny in the Annex. Such a fun club. Honestly, it kind of is full of meathead guys and some gross frat boys (I mean, I love my Waterloo frat boys but honestly, some of the Toronto ones arent so hot), but I had the best time partying with my friends. I was even offered a drink by a guy but was so drunk by that point that I denied him of the drink purchasing opportunity haha. I have to say, I will definitely be going back there, I suppose I have to check out Brunny Thursdays, when its an unofficial Greek night, but at some point or another, i'll be back. Hope to see you there too? ;)

Anyways, thats all for now,

xoxox Christine Ashley

Day Nineteen/Twenty/Twenty One!

2009-06-28T15:06:00.000-07:00

"Baby, I can be a sweet baby, and when things get crazy, make sure you come and save me"

- Britney Spears

Hey, sorry I skipped out on a couple of days! The past few days have been insanely unpredictable, busy and fun and I just havent had the chance to update. I know its unusual. But here it goes, this is how my past few days have been!

Day Nineteen

I woke up after a night of insomnia until 5 a.m at 8 a.m to head up to Waterloo. I needed to get this sheet signed for my schooling, and I kind of wanted to die. I definitely cannot live on three hours of sleep, its just not cool. Regardless, that was fun. When I got up there, I really realized how much I miss Waterloo. I miss my school friends, the walks to the Pike house, even just campus, although its tiny and empty at this time of year, minus the poor business students doing their school term. After I headed home and got ready for Emily's birthday party! We were all heading to my friends and having a backyard BBQ party, I was so excited to see everyone. I haven't seen people in years, especially some of the guys I used to hang out with every weekend. To be honest, I realized how much I missed them. The party started off slow but it was good because I got to re-acquaint myself with the people there, plus met this really darling, adorable girl.

After some drinks of beer, some 90 dollar wine, and my shitty bottle of Rose, the party was getting started. I met all these new people, some trendy kids from downtown, and we decided we'd all go in the hot tub soon enough. Strangely, I dont know if it was the alcohol talking (I still do not know) but this guy that I used to think was pretty immature is kind of cute now. So we kind of talked all night, and after a bunch of wine, I took him outside for a walk. After we got back from the walk I asked him if he'd wait for me to finish my cigarette, and I kissed him. It was such a long, cute kiss but we needed to get going. Afterwards, we spoke nothing of it. What do you think of instances like that? Maybe I should pretend nothing happened. I look back on it and he is cute. Hes super intellectual and a really great guy, but hes not so much my type. I don't even know what my type is, but perhaps I do after last night, although i'll explain that later. My friends mom drove us home not too late and I sat in my room drunk for about two hours, talking to babyD.

Day Twenty

This morning I woke up contemplating whether I should go to the party in Waterloo or not. One of my sorority sisters was having this really fun party, but I felt hung over from the night before and wasn't sure if I wanted to go. I was contemplating cancelling on my friend but I was convinced by another friend that I should come and was planning on it. I woke up relatively late and went to work. I was so excited! I have to tell you what happened. Well last shift, they put me on the sink to do hand demos. I did so many great ones, and it turns out I was one of the top 10 sellers of the week. Can you believe it? And this entire time, I thought that I sucked at working at Bath and Body Works. I guess not.

After work I had to rush home, pack, grab my stuff, and get going. My friend drove up to my driveway in a convertible, I threw my bags in her trunk and headed to Waterloo. It was lovely! It was so nice to get back in check with things with the girls. I haven't heard their stories or caught back up with them in a long time. Too long, actually, but this summer has been insane, already. We got to my friends new apartment and got ready for the party, the apartments near our school are insane. They're just huge and lovely, I love them but i'm just as excited for mine, as my room is nice and big, plus the balcony should be sweet although the view is not so great. Soon enough, we started to predrink and headed over to the party. It was Prostitot themed, so I dressed in a cute little white polka dot dress from Aritzia and toted around my Hello Kitty build a bear. Such a good party can I say! Lots of games, including Never Have I Ever, Truth or Dare and Spin The Bottle, haha definitely felt like I was in middle school again. Although I play Never Have I Ever on a regular basis :P. Anyways, so the party got pretty intense, we all got pretty hammered, some fights went on, met some cute boys I never met before (where was I winter term?).. overall very good night.

Especially near the end. I went to the frat house and was chilling with another one of my sisters and the boys. Tons of fun. We were just smoking, hanging out, really awesome. I ended up having an interesting night (i'll leave that up to you) and went to bed at 5 a.m. Definitely on a roll of lack of sleep. At 8 a.m I walked to my friends house and crashed until we drove back today. Unfortunately I was way too hung over to go to Pride, but nevertheless the Prostitot party was most likely one of the best of the summer. I am very very happy that I went.

Day Twenty One

Today I rode home with my friends in her nice convertible, stopped for some McDonalds, something I never ever eat (hello CARBS and fat) and passed out when I got home. I really did not do much today other than ate, finished my essay (FINALLY) and slept. I still need to pack and am going to the cottage until Friday, so i'll have to catch you up eventually.

P.S: I have a crush, I know right? Who would have thought. But its a legit crush. You should be excited because its so unusual. But I cant get it out of my head. And its weird because I never feel like this. I really do not feel like this. I shouldnt even feel like it. Anyways its a combination of a lot of things but its something ive been interested in for a while. I guess you should say its complicated. It most likely wont go anywhere but I definitely have that little girl mentality right now and i'm all giddy about it.

See you Friday!,

xoxox Christine Ashley

Day Eighteen.

2009-06-25T14:19:00.001-07:00

"When it comes down to it, I let them think what they want. If they care enough to bother with what I do, then im already better than them"

- Marilyn Monroe

After all this time believing that you're jealous of me, I heard what you told me. Well, I felt this funny feeling in the pit of my stomach. I was trying to figure it out, and now I think i'm jealous. I miss having that feeling, the butterflies in your stomach feeling. When I heard, I even got butterflies and a tinge of jealousy because, I knew what that felt like only about two months ago. What happened?

I know I could have it now. I feel like i've finally gotten to that point where i'm basically over that first love although maybe this is all related to the fact that we are not even speaking anymore -- and I dont think I want to be. It finally feels good, and I feel relieved. But now I know what I want, and its so hard to find. (I dont think ill ever find it). Regardless, tonight I asked someone on a date. The thing is, i've thought this person was so cute forever, but I never made a move on it. I dont know whats going to happen after we hang out, but I guess this is a good start. I'm not even sure how I feel, its just that I knew we had something before, and I want to test it out. Or maybe not, i'm never sure about these things. Maybe I just haven't found something that has struck me as "wow" enough to go for it. Maybe i'm afraid.

I wrote something a while ago and I thought i'd share it, its kind of emotional. I took certain parts out that are just, a little too much, but here it is:

"When I see you, there is still that left over tension but everything else is gone. Its like this emptiness where we are strangers but we both know that we were so much more, to be left with nothing. It’s a strange feeling, I like it and hate it all at the same time, is that weird? I know you would think that i'm messed up for saying that. In a way its just like, I wouldnt want anything else than to feel this distance, but if I knew I could have you closer I probably wouldn't be able to say no. I'm glad we're not talking.

I still comprehend what we felt that long ago, those first few butterflies that seemed to last forever. You were my first love, the love where I simply could not get enough in general. You were my forever, but it was all too much, too quickly, too soon. Its all in perspective now, twenty one months later. I see so clearly the mistakes that we made when we were “young and stupid”, its strange to think that in almost two years, people can change so much, but when you’re young and learning about yourself, nothing is as perfect as it seems. You just have to expect bumps in the road even if they’re bumps that lead you flying into unexpected pathways and crash somewhere along the way. I really do believe that if you want to see the rainbow, you’ll have to live through the rain.

We haven’t spoken for almost a month and although its helped me finally begin to get over you, I occasionally come to wishing that you were still my best friend. I wish we could rewind to fifteen months ago when I appeared at your hotel and kissed you underneath the warm, Mexican sun. Every kiss seems insignificant compared to yours when we had moments that seemed to last an eternity when our worlds collided. It kind of seems sappy now when I say things like that, but there are times when I do get nostalgic and remember things i'd like to forget.

I want you to know that I’m happy. I’ve finally started to recognize who I am, something that I wavered with when we were together. I’ve developed amazing friendships that will hopefully last a lifetime, regained some old ones and developed a stronger sense of self after everything that’s happened. Regardless, there is still a big part of you that lives on inside of me, something i'll never forget"

Its just something I wrote. Its not really truly meant for anyone to see or comment on, but I felt like posting it, and like it needed to be posted. I hope the subject of this does not see it. I just needed to get some stuff off my chest, for me.

On a better note, i'm going out with the besties to East Sides tonight. I'm super excited -- I know I should be watching my weight and all but I definitely want some amazing pasta. I miss one of my best friends so much because we rarely get to see one another, its like this summer has flew by already, its almost half over. So we are all going to catch up, eat some amazing food and hang out.

I'm home from tonight and it was lovely to see my friends. After eating lots of food, we went to Walmart and the LCBO to pick up some liquor for tomorrow. I settled for some nice Rose for tomorrow night -- I was tempted to get some Strawberry wine because it was cheap and delicious but it was only 6% and although I am lightweight, I didnt think it would be enough. So I got a Rose, which has hints of strawberries in it anyways, so hopefully its delicious! I cannot wait, tomorrow night I am partying for one of my best friends birthday. I hope someone will have a camera, it is a hot tub party and lots of my old friends will be going, and some people I am not too fond of. Regardless, I know it will be awesome, I just hope I am not working because if so I need to work until 9:30 and by the time I will be there I will be the only sober one and that is just not too much fun! I'm excited i'm excited!

I have a feeling this summer will be great! After all, it is already. No relationships to worry about, amazing friends to hang out with, cottaging next week. I can hardly wait!!!!

See ya,

xoxox Christine Ashley

P.S: Rest In Peace Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson. I feel sad for Farrah because she was such a beautiful, talented lady who had to suffer so much, and although MJ is a legend, she should be getting some time in the news too. Her death was not shocking but it is just as sad, plus Michael was a tad of a pedophile, if you ask me.

Day Seventeen.

2009-06-24T21:43:00.000-07:00

"I've got a feeling, that tonights gonna be a good night"

- Black Eyed Peas

Today was interesting. I finally finished my essay! Yay! Now I simply need to proofread and edit, so that shall be easy, hopefully. Oh and write half a page. And edit the appendices (appendixes? I dont know which one to use). Ah, maybe more than I thought. Regardless, enough homework talk, i'm not here to bore you. So this is my day.

Randomly during the day babyD and I decided we would get together. I wanted to go to this event called ArkWherk at the Art Gallery of Ontario so she came over and picked me up. It sounded like a pretty cool event -- focusing on the LGBT community and their artwork. Nevertheless, there were many beatufiul ladies around which was quite enjoyable. Did I mention that I love Pride week? Especially since I have been out and celebrating so much.

So I got dressed up in a cute little green number and we headed down to the lake for a bit of a smoke before we went to the stations and headed downtown. Once getting to the AGO, we realized that it was closing at eight thirty p.m, and it was eight twenty. Shucks! After a tad disappointment, we called up my trans friend who brought me to his house. He bought us a bunch of beer and we just chilled in his backyard. I used to date his friend last summer and our hanging out felt reminiscent of one year before -- when I had some crazy fling with this Venezuelan. It was a hot fling, I definitely felt super reminiscent, in fact thinking to the past like this makes me nostalgic. So it was lovely, except now, it is minus one, and plus one for him, some gorgeous Australian who decided to move on into his room. Lucky, lucky him. Oh, summer nights, they are just amazing! Afterwards we decided we were go to Wrongbar, and me being a douche did not have proper identification and could not get in.

After some more smokes, I started to head home. I feel disgustingly drunk and bloated. I cannot wait for my diet plan starting July 1st. I'm quite the drunk one and cannot write anymore. I feel as if my arms are heavy and all I can think of is how full I am after stuffing late night munchies into my mouth. I'm excited for finally finishing my paper and getting to see the two besties tomorrow.

Tata for nowwww,

xoxox Christine Ashley

Day Sixteen.

2009-06-23T12:41:00.000-07:00

"I want to be fixed, I want to be broken, I want to be closed, I want to be open, the love that I thought has died is still alive and I hope that you dont mind"

- My Favourite Highway

You have no idea how glad I was when I crawled out of bed this morning and realized I took tylenol before I went to sleep last night. I have been getting the worst hangovers lately, probably because of the copious amount of wine I have been drinking, but regardless, tylenol before bed along with at least three glasses of water is a good idea to prevent a hangover, but i'm sure you know that. I haven't really done much of anything today to be honest. I really should be doing my essay but i'm having writers block. By the end of today, I only got about two pages done, so hopefully tomorrow and the next day I will be accomplishing a lot, because it needs to be done before cottaging next week.

So, apparently last night was more eventful than I thought, and I probably came home even more drunk than I believed, because apparently I left my Ipod Touch in the bathroom after I washed my face and the counter was wet. Tonight when I tried it as I was getting ready to go on a jog I realized that it was not working. Finally, after charging a while on the computer, it turned on. Now it turned off again so I do not know whats going on. Honestly, me + electronics is really not a good combination. This is probably about the fourth or fifth Ipod I have been through, i've broken at least half a dozen phones, and at least three cameras. Luckily I have always gotten replacements, but I am not happy right now!! :(

All I want to do, is dance!!!

Until later,

xoxox Christine Ashley

Day Fifteen.

2009-06-22T08:56:00.001-07:00

"Another night out, another dance floor"

- Deadmau5

I know its just the beginning of the day but I just had to get up and write something. Immediately after I called babyD, she told me what happened to Perez last night. I know i'm all caught up in this celebrity gossip lately but I just can't believe it. Will.I.Am punched him in the face? I'm not sure what to believe, but its clear that Perez got assaulted by his video with his black eye, even if it was truly a tad over-dramatic (what would life be without Perez drama!). The thing is, I don't agree with how he approached it. Who goes on Twitter first and tells people to call the police for him? By the time he could have logged onto his phone to do that, he could have called the police himself. I feel like THAT was a tiny grab for attention. Though, if there was alcohol involved, I know, more than anyone, that we all do stupid, stupid drunken things.

Tonight I decided I will in fact go to Pride Prom. I am so excited. My friend and I are being "dates", dressing cute, going to have some fine wine, and party it up. I spent my entire day slaving doing my homework and must say I am entirely proud of myself. I finished four pages of my twelve to fifteen page essay in about two hours and still have tons more to write. This will hopefully be a piece of cake?

Twenty four hours later and i'm completing this entry. I hope my friend posts the two pictures we took soon so that I can show you all! I had a wonderful time last night. Met up with some friends and went to a friends house to drink, then head over to the club. Even though it was filled with itty bitties and I spent the majority of my time outside smoking copious amounts of Belmont cigarettes and finishing off my red wine, it was so much fun. Im really greatful that I got to see my friend before she leaves for the entire summer. Speaking of which, I love drunken conversations, this is how this one goes:

Her: "you like me"

Me: "what are you talking about?"

Her: "of course you like me"

Me: "um no sorrry to break it to you but that was like, six months ago"

Her: "you like me, everyone likes me!"

Haha ridiculous. And at that moment, I just felt like grabbing her and kissing her, simply because I could. But I didn't because I didn't want to ruin the friendship that we've been building for the past few months because its become really great. I definitely drank too much last night and ran into trouble when I saw this girl who used to date someone I used to date. I grabbed the girl by her arm and apologized for everything thats happened between us, for our friendship lost because of such ridiculousness. Following that incident, she pushed me off her and told me not to talk to her. It was kind of immature and ridiculous considering all I wanted to do was to tell her that i'm sorry that we lost our friendship over nothing. Girls are definitely jealous nowadays when they do not get what they want. Oh, obscenities. Following this incident, I walked away and my friend grabbed me and kissed me in front of her. It felt good, simply the fact that I know i'm often getting what I want. I could feel her jealousy as I was kissing her friend.

Oh honey, dont you know, revenge is sweeter than you ever were? ;)

I must say it was eventful night looking back on it all, because I was also asked to engage in some risquay activities, to which i'm glad did not occur. I drunkenly stumbled home on the subway, listened to If I Were A Boy on repeat, and drunk dialed babyD a few times. I love my friends.

See you later!,

xoxox Christine Ashley

Day Fourteen.

2009-06-21T14:37:00.000-07:00

“Sometimes you need to forget what you want, and remember what you deserve”
- LJ quote said to babyD
“You deserve me”
- babyD

First off, I wanted to mention -- HAPPY PRIDE WEEK! I am so stoked on the festivities although I may not be going out much as I still need to finish this paper, I know this is one of the most exciting weeks of the year. Its just so fun, and everyone is just so supportive of one another! There is definitely acceptance and love everywhere :P. Hopefully I will be able to go to this all-ages (sadly) event in downtown Toronto, and if so, I hope to see you there!

Today I woke up thinking that I’d go for a long jog to get back in shape. But I didn’t. Setting my alarm clock at ten a.m evidently does not work properly, because I’ll set it for later on. I’ve become incredibly lazy this summer, and do not want to do anything except for eat, sleep, and hang out with my friends. Not very healthy, because I feel as if the amount of amazing ice cream and alcohol I have been consuming has been affecting my tummy. Not to say i'm fat or anything, I just miss kickboxing at the gym in Waterloo.

Tonight I will be attending the MMVAs. I wanted to make it for seven so I could see people on the red carpet but i'm running late so i'll just have to see the show. I'm really stoked on seeing Kim Kardashian, just look how gorgeous she is. Definitely one of the prettiest girls in Hollywood because she is so real. Yay for curvy women :):

Ed Westick is a babe too, of course, too bad he has a girlfriend ;). Oh Jessica Szor, she is quite the gorgeous one. I feel like I talk about these people as if I know them. Its like that with anything though -- like when people are discussing the Hills or Skins, the personalities become like ones you are familiar with. Anyways, I really should not be procrastinating but I miss two of my friends very much so I decided I will be going to the MMVAs in a cute little dress, just to have a night of fun. Hopefully someone will bring a camera!! I'll catch you up with details later, as i'll have nothing better to do slaving away at this homework that I have hardly started *YIKES*.

-- Later --

I am back from the MMVAs, only several hours later. All I really wanted to do was come home and lie in my bed after a long shower due to all the sweaty, disgusting bodies who touched me. Did I mention disgusting? I felt like I was being gropped on a regular basis and was not enjoying it whatsoever. It was really nice seeing my friend though because we do not hang out nearly enough, and now she will be coming with me to Gay Pride next Sunday, which is great. Now I am talking to babyD on the phone, and I feel like it’s the way it should be. I actually enjoy talking on the phone more than ever now. I think I used to like it a lot before because I used to talk about silly things, particularly with bandgirl, but now these conversations are just so cute and happy. And its like, a no-strings attached kind of thing, so there is no relationship drama involved.

I suppose I should get some beauty rest to start my usual schedule again. Go to sleep at 2 a.m, wake up at 11 a.m in order to combine breakfast and lunch (good calorie-cutting plan) and do some homework, slowly but surely getting it done, a little bit day by day.

Have a lovely day tomorrow,

xoxo Christine Ashley

Day Thirteen.

2009-06-20T13:30:00.000-07:00

"Oh, I like your outfit too, except when I dress up as a frigid bitch, I try not to look so constipated"

- Legally Blonde

Hatred: an intense dislike or ill will.

I sit here and wonder how I could express such a strong emotion when I have never believed in this four letter word. When people have said that they hate someone, I have corrected them telling them that they're simply angry and will get over it. Or that nothing can be enough to make someone truly "hate". But I understand it now.

I try to think about why I feel this way. I attribute it to the way that you have consistently carried yourself. Some people try to hurt others in protection of those that they love, but in the end, its really led by a selfish desire. Others become extremely defensive and push you far out of the path so that you don't get in the way of achieving what they want. You're the defensive one, I suppose.

I am angry, I guess its silly to get carried away over your actions, but it truly bothers me. Its been on my mind all day how you try to get under my skin. Ultimately, I don't even talk to you anymore, i'm not part of your life, so I should not affect you the way that I seem to. I wish you would just grow up and realize that isn't all about you. You can't always get what you want, specifically when you do not even know what it is that you want. But if you want this, you can have it, i'm just sick of being involved.

Tu peux l'avoir. Je suis trop occupe pour me divertir dans ce situation pathetique. C'est trop maintenant, ca suffit.

Tu peux l'avoir. Ca ne fait rien.

The thing is, i'm Elle Woods, you're Vivian. You wear last seasons clothes, and I like this season Coach bags and pretty shoes. You're protective, obnoxious and just plain mean -- going out of your way simply because you do not like me. I hope you are intimidated. I'm not going to sink to your level by committing to putting you down on a regular basis, but i'm up for the challenge. Good luck with everything ;)!

So, I guess I do have some drama to share right now. I just feel sorry for people who have nothing better to do than try to make others feel sad and hurt. This is simply a reaction to her statements and beliefs. This is my blog, and i'm angry and frustrated at the actions people seem to take in their lives, and i'm going to speak up and against it. I've come to realize that sometimes when you lose things, you act irrationally. You believe that the things you're saying are right, but often they're being carried out of proportion. You look back on things several months later and think, what did I do? Unfortunately, I see this in her. I hope she looks back and wonders. Because i'm no longer going to ever wish to be her friend.

With friends like you, who ever needed enemies?

P.S: off-topic, but good song.

See ya,

xoxox Christine Ashley

Day Twelve.

2009-06-19T10:37:00.000-07:00

"The creative process is a process of surrender, not control"

- Julia Cameron

Control. People say that North American society is a place where you have control of your own actions. People say that its a free country where you can choose to do things from your own free will. But its not true. People control and influence your daily actions. This picture describes how I feel. Its like, no matter how much I want to freely express myself, theres always something holding me back. I feel lack of control, or out of control, but I cannot decide between the two. Julia Cameron was absolutely correct. If you're going to be an amazing artist in whichever form you decide, you must entirely surrender yourself to your work. But what if you cant, what if you feel like there are objects that are holding you back? Well, I guess you have to try.

When I started writing this blog, I thought of the freedom I could have when expressing myself. But when it comes down to it, its truly others that control you. Blogger has the capability to rid of my blog if I write anything entirely scandalous or profane. My friends have the capability to tell me that if I write negative things about them, they wont be friends with me anymore. And if I write anything ridiculous about bandgirl, she may just never want to be friends with me. Those are just a few instances where control is evident. Its clearly not only on the blogging world where this is a problem but in real life. Censorship is everywhere and the capability to clearly express yourself without worrying about what other people think is slim, because in reality, we all do care about the repercussions of our actions.

To be honest, this all came to mind after sitting in a long car ride to Laurier with my father today. We got in this horrific fight concerning some ridiculous topic, which led me to being terribly scared. In fact, after I read about the predominant amount of men who abuse their children after studying the topic for my sociology topic, I was afraid that him yelling at me in the car would lead towards far worse things. In reality, my father gets angry about superficial things like money, and all I wanted to do was call him a ridiculous twat. Unfortunately, this censorship came to mind. I often do not think of the repercussions of my actions but after appearing at bandgirl's house that one night and saying some obscene things, i've begun to be more cautious about what i've come to say.

In the end, our freedom is limited. We can't really say what we want, or do what we want, because it'll often have negative consequences on our lives. I feel this huge mask of lack of control over me, and I just want to regain it. But I simply do not know how.

Tonight I went for a walk with my bestie and her dog. I never knew dogs were so crazy, and to be honest they scare me a little. As small as some may be, the idea of a dog jumping up on me isn't something i'm too crazy about. The lake is beautiful around this time of year, and if I ever have a meaningful relationship, its like somewhere I like to take people I care about. I took babyD there on our first date, and it was super cute, but its just better with someone you love. I guess i'll save that for my next love, if it ever happens. Afterwards, my bestie came over and we watched the remainder of Skins. Chris dies and I teared a lot the last three episodes. I hope I didnt spoil this for anyone, but no one I know is really all that into English television shows as the bestie and I are. Now here I am, struggling to write some sociological words on paper again and going nowhere, what else is new.

Finally, i'll leave you with this. Something I heard on Skins. Something that reminds me of someone I used to know, mainly because its scientific, but simply because of the words as well:

“Subatomic particles don’t obey physical laws, they act according to chance, running into each other in the middle of the universe somewhere”

I hope my particles run into yours soon (and not in the sexual way!) :).

Until next time,

xoxox Christine Ashley

Day Eleven.

2009-06-18T17:09:00.000-07:00

"Life flies by so you have to embrace it, forget about the past cause you can't erase it, and live the dream and learn to chase it, and when you can almost taste it, its all come alive"

- My Favorite Highway

Today was bittersweet. One of my beautiful besties came over to watch some lovely Skins Season II episodes and eat the most ginormous bowl of popcorn ever. I cannot believe how depressing this season of Skins is. The main character, Tony, this glorious player loses his memory after a freak accident and cannot even remember his girlfriend. Furthermore, Sid's father dies in the house and Sid finds him in the morning sitting with his alcohol and cigarette in the chair, dead. So that made me all sad, and then I had to do sociology all night to which I hardly got anything done. This assignment on child abuse is really tough and i'm super stressed out. Too stressed out to blog actually.

Six hours, amazing fajitas for dinner and some lame attempts at writing my child-abuse paper later and i'm back here because I have some interesting things to add. I am getting so sick of these walls in this television room but I have yet to have found my wireless internet "box" I like to call it (yes yes, I am aware that it is a router). Do you ever sit in your computer chair for a long period of time and get rather anxious? Well that's how I feel. Maybe because the deadline for this sociology essay is coming closer and closer (about a week tomorrow), and I may have to slave my Pride Week away doing a paper. I suppose that getting an excellent mark on a paper that is worth 30% of my grade is definitely more important than celebrating what I may celebrate all year anyways (PRIDE!).

Anyways, so enough essay rambling. Tonight I was talking to one of my friends about our writings and told her that I have been following her facebook notes and commented on how well written they are. Afterwards, I told her I would show her my twenty one months video blog because I am rather proud of it, and she happened to really like it. Considering she is friends with bandgirl, she believed that it would be a fabulous idea to notify her about this blog, and she did. After a small anxiety attack later, I found out that she liked it, so i'm pleasantly surprised. I put my blog on the internet for anyone to see and the fact that she saw it does not surprise me, it was just a scary concept to know of her reaction to my creativity and insight into our situation. The idea made me want to run far away, but I suppose her knowing was better than not.

Tomorrow I will sadly be missioning it up to Waterloo to hand in something regarding my school. I am not pleased to be going to the one place where I was excited in avoiding practically all summer. To be honest, i'm getting used to Toronto life again. The hustle and bustle of waiting for a streetcar which rides down and past the beautifully (polluted) lake, sitting in one hour traffic in downtown rush hour, and being able to go shopping and partying at some of the hottest places in all of Canada. I'm not sure if you can sense the irony in some of what I said, but really, I am getting used to the minor Torontonian setbacks. I am going to miss it in the fall, but I guess I wont need to worry about that for another two months! I just cant wait to see what the rest of the summer brings me. Hopefully lots of fun, sun and sexy people :).

Until tomorrow,

xoxox Christine Ashley

Jour Dix.

2009-06-17T19:37:00.000-07:00

"Cause I was born to tell you I love you, and i'm torn to do what I have to"

Rain, rain, all day. I feel like an old lady because in this weather my back kills! I dont even know if its the weather or the fact that I havent been to my chiropractor in a long time and I seriously need a massage from a RMT, or simply at a spa. I sat through a super long volunteer orientation and had the worst back pains I felt like I was going to keel over and die. Okay, maybe i'm over-reacting a little, but its definitely been hurting a lot lately. Not fun. I had the best pad thai of my life tonight as well. I know it looks disgusting, ive always thought it looks like little flimsy orange worms or something of the like, but its actually delicious. I'm thinking of the next time I can go to Spring Rolls and get some delicious pad thai already! Hopefully soon.

I spent my day slaving over a sociology paper. Well, not really but I determined my topic so that is good. I'm writing about child abuse, rather intense but what can you do. I'm an intense person and I wanted to learn more about it. I'm interested in all that sociological and psychological stuff concerning children. On the light side, i'm seeing Emily tomorrow which is exciting, we are going to watch Season Two of Skins which I have been dying to see ever since i've fallen in love with Cassie, this incredibly beautiful, anorexic love of my life:

I sincerely wish I was on this television show, you just must watch it. A life filled with drunken nights, amazing friends and crazy loves sounds good to me. After that, I will be spending the next few days intensely doing some crazy sociology paper work. I guess I wont have anything exciting to write about, or perhaps something amazing will happen while im sitting at home. Who knows.

Until next time,

xoxox Christine Ashley

Day Nine.

2009-06-16T14:17:00.000-07:00

"You had me at the smile that you're faking, its all about the chance you're taking, oh and you know that you're making it all come alive"- My Favorite Highway

I had such an amazing day yesterday. I went to my interview for the camp for cancer patients that I was so nervous for. Sat on the streetcar the entire way there rehearsing what I was going to say for half the questions I rehearsed not even to be asked. It was much easier than I anticipated and I got the placement. I am so excited to work with these children! I feel like waking up at 7 a.m for a week will be a blessing in disguise after I learn so much from this. After the interview, I wandered around downtown for a while to end up wandering to Starbucks to work on the homework that I am far behind. I'm getting a little concerned -- but maybe the last minute rush of perhaps handing in the assignment late (which I wont anyways), will be alright. I was torn between going to see my friend in Milton or not because waiting for three hours seemed like forever, but I decided to wait and go, instead of be lazy and go back to sleep. After all, I had no idea what could happen!

After my arrival in Milton, my friend informed me that we would be hanging out with her other friend, but it was alright because he was this flamboyant, gay man who I would get along with just fabulously. Until he also arrived, we went to go visit my other friend who I shockingly had not met until that moment. Its simply shocking because she has dated coconuthead, knows bandgirl, and is somewhat friends with many of the other people I have associated myself lately. Meeting new people is always lovely, although her girlfriend is a tad on the crazy side and appeared as if she wanted to kill me half the time, probably because my friend kept telling me I was pretty. Its scary if someone tells you that you're attractive and then their overweight girlfriend takes their phone away and reads what you wrote in response, you need to be careful! Eventually the flamboyant, gay friend arrived and we all hung out and made dinner, including the most amazing chocolate cake/brownie concoction that I have ever eaten. After many rounds of Mario Kart and far too much brownie cake and Heavenly Hash ice cream, we decided to take her dog for a walk and arrived back at our other friends house.

I never realized how lucky I am not to be in a relationship until last night. Sometimes I think i'd just be so excited to be with someone, but then the overweight girlfriend reminded me otherwise. Its not even that i'm shallow, but this girl is just terrible to my friend. Immediately when I met her earlier during the day, she turned to my friend and was like "get your sister a glass of milk", like what, is my friend the house maid or something? I think not. Later on, as she was leaving in her car, she would tell my friend to take a shower because she needs it, but she isn't dirty at all and it was just an insult to make her feel better about herself, I am sure. Regardless, we went on a lovely dog walk, played in the park, and decided to go swimming late at night.

Last night was probably one of the first nights I felt so free in a while. I felt like I had no worries and I was just with amazing people that I cared so much about. It was such a great thing, and its so nice meeting new friends too. We woke up and made the most amazing pancakes, and although I did not eat much as I had cereal, who knew that vanilla soy milk made pancakes so much better! I ended up coming home this afternoon, blasting Spanish music in the car and being a secret gangster.

Summer life = wonderful <3.

See you later!

xoxox Christine Ashley

Day Eight (Technically).

2009-06-14T21:15:00.000-07:00

"I was your fire once, you thought of me as your one true love, I got so mad, said things that later I would regret and regret and regret, holding onto my chest and pounding until it turns purple, a breaking bow and the sound of a scream muffled by pillows"

- Automatic Loveletter

Although its 12:18 a.m and I have yet to have gone to sleep after my day seven entry, I feel the urge to write again. So, it technically is day eight, although I could have added this on to day seven, I felt like it was too long and rambly. And i'm rambling now regardless, ah. I felt like I need to express something, as small as it is. I felt the need to write, to write insignificant words on a blog that no one most likely reads, although I was shocked when some of my friends told me they book marked my page to read on a daily basis. So, here it goes, my vacant thoughts..

I simply cannot be tied down. The concept of it drives me crazy, yet I yearn for something real, something honest, I crave love all at the same time, but I run. If I see an opportunity for happiness, for something that can bring me something like love, or even just attachment, I run as fast as I can in the opposite direction. I can't handle the feeling of being so consumed by someone that the opportunity to break can happen in any second. Do you realize, in a relationship, one minute you could be entirely in "love" and the next, the person may never want to speak to you again? And that will be it, you'll need to pack your bags (even if its simply metaphorically), and move on. The concept of love seems so irrational to me now, but I want it so bad.

Lately I can meet someone who I find totally captivating and think I can crush on them, but I realize that I don't particularly like them, rather I like the chase. Somehow its more interesting when you have this hopeless crush on someone who sees you as just a friend, rather than liking someone who'd do anything for you. In all reality, I think that bandgirl is the only person that I could ever see wanting being there for me in that intense way, and I don't even want that as much anymore.

I'm lost and confused, I dont know what to do. I guess i'll just live.

Until later,

xoxox Christine Ashley

Day Six and Seven.

2009-06-14T09:00:00.000-07:00

"Pass out at three, wake up at ten, go out to eat, and do it again"

- Asher Roth

Enough said. But then again, not really because I know you'd prefer details. I have some crazy news because yesterday I had a crazy day! First of all, I went to work. The thing is, nothing I do at works seems to be right. I try to please everyone but for some reason I always fall short. I'm sorry i'm not perky and am not like, "ohhh my god so like, this product, is so amazing, best thing ever" in a prep voice. Okay maybe I am a super huge prep, but i'm super shy and you can't be shy in retail, unfortunately.

Work was average, but I cant say that my life is average after last night. After work, I met up with a friend, Heather, and we got on the bus to head to the party of the night. The bus was packed and she soon told me that she was claustrophobic and had anxiety, to which she turned to the side and started throwing up. She threw up all over this woman's lap and on the seat next to her. The woman went to the bus driver and asked him to order another bus, but another bus wasn't ordered so she somewhat stormed off the bus. All of a sudden this random guy starts talking to us. He opens his box and inside the box there was a baby raccoon. He told us he was taking it to the humane society, to which he went on with his ramblings about Prince Edward Island and guitar school. Can you say random? After our puke filled bus ride adventure, we met up with two other friends to have a party filled night.

We ended up sitting in a field in a park and drinking. A bottle of wine, some Baccardi shots and a Never Have I Ever game later, my friend suggested we play Spin The Bottle. Some really intense kisses happened. Afterwards we started walking towards the bus and I realized I could hardly see my cell phone messages anymore. We ran into Mac's to grab some water to realize that it was closed at 12 p.m on a Friday night, what is that?! So I got on the bus back to my area, a forty five minute bus ride, dehydrated and without any water. The funniest part was -- my friend ran up to the bus driver and asked him if we could have his water bottle, and he gave it to us.

I woke up this morning with the worst hangover ever and somehow got through the day feeling very, very ill. After work, I was informed that I told my friend that I like her, which is news to me but I guess thats what you get after drinking far too much alcohol and being a lightweight. I wish I knew my limits but i'm one of those drunks who drinks and it hits me about an hour later. You cannot imagine the humiliation I felt, because it must have been the alcohol talking, although I swear she told me she was interested in me. Can you say fool? At least its something interesting that happened, some turn of events, something to make my life fun and dramatic. As long as she knows that its not true.

As for tonight, I still have this bloody awful hangover, feel nauseous as anything, and am exhausted, so i'm going to go to bed early and just take it easy. I was supposed to see babyD but I feel as if the hangover got the best of me, and have been feeling rather antisocial tonight. I guess we'll see what happens with other things in the future.

Oh and by the way, thank you to all of you who checked out my "21 Months" video and commented on it. A friend told me that she cried when she watched it, and it made me realize that my writing really does have a purpose. If I can make people relate to my writing and feel something because of it, I must be doing something right!

Until next time,

xoxox Christine Ashley

Day Five.

2009-06-12T12:27:00.000-07:00

"I will always love you, even when no one else will"

- LJSecret picture

Well today was rather interesting. First of all, I woke up to a phone call from my potential volunteer placement for my interview on Monday, so hopefully it goes well. Fingers crossed! There's nothing more than I want right now to volunteer this summer, I really feel like I need to give back to the community and to help others. Throughout helping others, you learn so much more about yourself too. I feel like life is way too short to just be selfish and sit on the sidelines and watch the people who need help or just guidance in life, suffer. After that I had a relatively calm day, have been practicing Almost Lover more so hopefully i'll get on that sooner or later and become good, and then I got ready for the wedding.

My best friend and her girlfriend got married today at City Hall and I just thought it was beautiful. It made me believe in love again for second, which is sad because apparently the fact that i'm cynical is attractive, but whatever. Just seeing that my best friend has been through so much and finally has found a girl that loves her unconditionally is beautiful. I think the concept of marriage is silly, but when you actually see it happening.. its magical. Afterwards we had a delicious dinner at Spring Rolls and I had to come home because of a massive headache. I do not understand what it is with me and headaches lately but I hope that everything is alright!

Finally, I hope you watched my video because the story, my story about my life and experiences is really special to me. I feel like i've finally been reaching that point where I can talk about what happened and be okay with it, at least relatively. I know that since then i've become extremely non-committal but I just believe that relationships at this age are a waste and that I don't want to end up with a 'tosser' ;). I'm waiting for someone to prove me wrong!

See you around,

xoxox Christine Ashley

Day Four.

2009-06-11T19:51:00.001-07:00

“I’m just too far from where you are, I want to go home”

- Miley Cyrus on Twitter

Do you ever watch television and wonder why a character seems to be you in another form? I’ve been in these shoes where I have been able to identify with many characters before, but now I can identify closest with Cassie from Skins. Its not the fact that she has an obsession with food, or even the fact that she’s genuinely crazy like I seem to sometimes be. It’s the fact that Cassie is in love with someone who is in love with a girl who could just care less about him. Its actually really sad and ironic that Cassie is the most beautiful, kind-hearted person on the show and that Michelle receives all the attention from the boys. But that’s how it always is, the nice girl never wins. I really do pity the “nice” guys and girls out there who would do anything for the person they’re with, but they never get any recognition for it. Its just that everyone, including me, loves the chase. Where do the good go? Anyways, total drama alert. Whatever, karma is a bigger bitch than I will ever be.

I didn't do anything ridiculous today except meet some random guys who definitely only wanted in my pants (note to boys: pick up lines don't work so well on me, try something better), and listened to my parents bicker for about an hour about money. Note to self: never get married. The majority of marriages end in divorce anyways. Maybe i'm just a love pessimist lately! On the bright side, my father brought my keyboard back from his residence and am learning Almost Lover by A Fine Frenzy. I'm stoked to hopefully start recording soon, but I definitely need a lot of practice first. This was the first time I touched the keyboards in a bunch of years today and i'm kind of rough, but hopefully i'll be in good shape in no time. For now, i'm going to be practicing this like two hours a day so I can get it recorded and get some good feedback. Oh and, ill post it on here, don't worry!

Ps, i'm sincerely in love with babyD. We're getting together on Sunday, i'm excited for a John Hughes movie day/date? Should be interesting with my dating/cute stuff/commitment phobia ;)

See you later lovers,

xoxo Christine Ashley

Day Three of Nothingness.

2009-06-10T08:49:00.000-07:00

Is that that scandalous that I want to go so far into my past and re-enact it, but with a different ending? When the news came to me last night I was entirely shocked and excited at the same time. This has nothing to do with anyone recent, but with someone from way back. This summer I may have the chance to step into my past and change or modify something that i've always wanted. Haven't you always wanted that opportunity to create a different story? I can hardly wait! I feel like I need to have a change and perhaps date a guy, and I know my lesbian friends will judge me and my straight friends will be more than happy but it shouldn't matter to anyone. Love is love, feelings are feelings, and it shouldn't matter if you're gay or straight, or bisexual for that matter. There is such a stigma that follows bisexuality, as learnt in women's studies, where girls follow the trend of bisexual chic to impress men and all that. I even did a feminist rant about it. But really, honestly, what if your feelings are for real? Its funny because gays and lesbians go on a day to day basis trying to accomplish recognition and equality in a straight, prejudice world, but they ostracize bisexuals who fight just like them for equal rights and recognition. It doesn't make any sense to me. Regardless, I think you should follow your heart, and if you want to date a guy or a girl, it shouldn't matter what your friends or family think because if they truly care about you they'll be there for you.

I'm staying in tonight, not because I want to, but it doesn't help that I have a bloody headache that makes me feel like i'm going to pass out. So i'm going to lie in bed, get some beauty rest and watch episode after episode of Skins that a friend introduced me to today. Skins just emphasizes the fact that I yearn to be a rebellious English teenager who parties too hard, stays up way too late and has an unpredictable future. After all, who said certainty was as good as it seems?

Tata for now,

xoxoxo Christine Ashley

Day Two.

2009-06-09T13:20:00.000-07:00

"Yeah love kills, but it wont kill you"

- Insight of the day from a good friend

To be honest, today was a drag. Nothing exciting happened, no serious drama which may technically be a good thing, but I do have a few things to catch you up on.

Last night, I was talking on the phone to babyD. Before I go on and make things even more complicated with another character, I will explain all this new nonsense to you. babyD is an incredibly spastic woman that I have gone on several interesting and severely unpredictable dates with. She's "random, ocd, add" and says that she fakes "every ounce of self esteem that [she] can". In the end, things were complicated through bandgirl and babyD and I decided to become friends and remain close to this day. Despite these sometimes frustrating facts, she is quite original to say that least and well, I love her all the same. babyD and I speak on the phone every night for at least two hours and although we have gotten over each other, another type of infatuation has developed. Last night I had this revelation that babyD is my non-sexual, purely platonic infatuation. More importantly, I truly am starting to believe we are in love with each other in a friend-like way. This girl has just become someone that I need to talk to about, eight times a day otherwise I do not feel fulfilled, its ridiculous. In fact, on our first date, babyD decided that we would get married and (somehow) reproduce little redhead children, as we are a dying breed. I thought that was a strange thing to say on a first date, but our marriage idea has stuck to this day, despite the fact that I have told at least four other people that we may get married in the future. Regardless, we may be meeting up at Pride while she is with the new girl and I feel like it will be major competition. I guess we'll see how that goes, but i'm not sure if I will like it. Don't get me wrong, there are no feelings there, I just do not like being outdone.

I seriously just wish I was English. I just think it makes someone so much sexier having that accent and the lifestyle, like Ed Westwick or Kate Nash, for example. I could imagine myself just sipping tea sitting in a quaint coffee shop on the cobblestoned streets of a small English town, or perhaps watching some indie band at a grungy, basement club in London. Sometimes I just have the urge to call a boy a silly 'bloke' or something, you know? Thats normal, right? In any case, a girl can only dream while she is sitting in her bed in her Canadian room a couple thousand of miles away. I just need to escape – and although I am constantly escaping on some random escapade, such as my recent one to Connecticut, temporarily inhabiting a luxury home on Martha Stewart's street with swanky, New England style mansions just isn’t exciting enough. I need adventure in my life, some summer fling with a sexy European stranger who sweeps me off my feet. What are the odds? It may be an unlikely summer dream, yet not as unlikely as I may think, as when I return to my small town school life, I am going to be a mentor for foreign students at the international office. Too bad there are rules against hooking up, i’m secretly hoping I may be meeting the love of my life. Maybe I’ll fall in love and take a third year exchange there and perhaps just never come back, it would be fine with me. At times, there is nothing more that I want to run away from this city and experience life a little.

Right now I simply need to get my priorities in check first which include having tons of fun and discovering new places with good friends, meeting that sexy stranger, getting at least a B+ in my sociology summer course (yes I am an incredibly large nerd for taking summer school voluntarily, I know) and finally and most importantly, getting over bandgirl. I must get to it, after all, keeping up with exciting updates does involve a lot of work!

Tata for now,

xoxox Christine Ashley

Day One.

2009-06-08T19:24:00.000-07:00

"This is fact, not fiction, for the first time in years",

-- Death Cab For Cutie

So this is it, the beginnings of my new blog, a new chapter of my life I suppose in a way. I'm not sure what this will turn into but my plan is to blog out my entire summer and try to achieve some crazy things. We'll see.

I guess first of all I should introduce myself.

I'm Christine Ashley, an eighteen (almost nineteen) year old self-proclaimed drama queen who lives a double life between Toronto and Waterloo, while traveling the world in between. If that doesn't seem complicated enough, I have two insane, separated parents named Lisa and Peter who drive me crazy half the time, a psycho cat named Princess who believes that she is a dog, and many insanely unpredictable friends who join me along the journey. Going to school in Waterloo would be incredibly dull without my lesbian now ex-roomie, the ladies of my sorority and a few weekly bottles of Pinot Grigio, but I don't need to worry about all that school-related business right now because i'm pretending to slave my life away with two shifts a week at Bath and Body Works. During my time off, i've been getting much needed beauty sleep until two in the afternoon, dating copious amounts of people on the side, going out for expensive dinners with my friends and getting over my first love, this nerdy musician who stole my heart away from our first date when I was given some stuffed animal flower, umm.. cute? Oh, did I mention its a girl, bandgirl, to be exact.

When i'm taking a break from all the subjects in my life that will cause me many wrinkles by the age of twenty five, I enjoy smoking an unhealthy amount of Belmont Cigarettes on the streets of Downtown Toronto, shopping until my credit card limit is maxed out and watching sappy Audrey Hepburn movies and the Bachelorette. You know, regular girl stuff, right? But don't you worry, i'm not all about manis and pedis at the spa, although upkeep is incredibly important. In fact, there is nothing I love more than helping someone out in need, whether its through volunteerism or traveling to a poor country and giving my clothes to the children or helping the majority of my friends suffering through relationship dilemmas, I guess its the future social worker or psychologist in me.

So, I believe thats all for now. Minus the minor details, but you'll learn them along the way, unless you know me already and then you're already well on your way to understanding the way that I work. This is me unscripted and uncensored, filled with an unbelievable amount of run-on sentences to express my excitement and frustration, hope you can keep up. Oh, and don't be overwhelmed, I promise that my life isn't really thaaaat complicated.

Until next time,

xoxox Christine Ashley